Pump Your Breaks
So I am sitting here under the dyer at the beauty shop upset because I was hoping to be out of here by 10:00. I mean afterall I did get here at 7:30 am. I am tired and cranky. That is my fault though. I did not go to sleep until well after 3:00 am. I was in my Betty Crocker role; caking on the phone all hours of the night with this new chick I met. Yet another Taurus, but she seems nice. I won't get my hopes up though.

It seems like this day may never end for me though. I have so many things to accomplish today, and it just isn't enough hours to do them in before I have to go to work at 5:00. I have my Mom, Grandma, Aunt, and Cousin coming to visit me tomorrow before we all go to church and dinner. So that means I have some serious cleaning to do before the inspectors arrive at 11:00 tomorrow morning. The last thing I need after a week like this is to have my Mother and my Aunt tag teaming me about keeping a clean house. Truth of the matter is; nothing is ever 100% clean in their eyes, so I am not going to break my back trying to please them.

I really just want to go home and go back to bed after I leave this shop to be honest. But no its off to Wal-Mart, then the bank, then to pay my rent, then a full day of cleaning, and finally a 4 hour work shift at that horrific call center! Think I can sneak in a nap somewhere in there? Doubt it.

May 31, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

"There's so much to accomplish early in the day that you could lose sight of how to enjoy yourself. Don't try to do everything all at once. Remember, what you don't finish now can be completed in a day or two. Finding a manageable balance between work and play can make all the difference in the world."

I really need to get my ass somewhere and sit down. Mentally I am tired. Physically I am tired. I figure I will save my vacation days for when my niece and nephew come down and use the time to relax as well. Leave both of those jobs alone for an entire week. This one day off a week is not cutting it. Until then I will hang in there.

It's 10:00 and I am still under this hot ass dryer! I don't even want a style. All I need for her to do is take these rollers out, wrap me up, and I'm out! Let me go right now, because the shop is filling up!

Enjoy your weekend!
WTF - Weekly Re-Cap

TGIF! Hm, what to say about this week? Well, I'll put it in Internet terms; smmfh, rme, omg, lmfao, stfu, gtfo and WTF @ this week! I have had so many WTF moments this week, it's crazy. I mean moments that you just can't even do anything but shake your head and laugh about. I'm sure many people have had weeks like this. "If it ain't one thing, it's another!" I really don't know how to summarize all the things that have gone down this week and all of the things that I've learned. This blog will definitely be something that I am not; random…

  • Happy as hell to have had Monday off this week; not so happy about having a flat tire Tuesday morning that needed to be repaired so I could make it to work by 7:30AM. WTF!

  • Bank account over drafted with rent, electricity and phone bill due today. WTF!

  • I don't know what it is about Texas drivers, but I've been cut off, ran off the road, flipped off, damn near side swiped all while trying to travel down the street to McDonald's. WTF!

  • Working for a cable company part-time that everyone seems to hate with a passion, sucks ass! 4 different customers called in this week stating that they waited over 6 hours for the technician to show up for an installation. All 4 customers outside of their home see each one of their assigned technicians slow down in front of their homes long enough to write a note down and speed off! Customers later find out that the technicians have cancelled their install and declared the customer NOT AT HOME! Clearly all 4 customers were standing in the front yard! WTF!

  • Why do some people just always have to be in competition? Do you really just have to have the last word that bad? Does it make you feel better if the last thing that came out of your mouth makes absolutely no sense at all? Bringing up shit from the past that has nothing to do with the situation at hand does not help plead your worthless case. WTF are you saying to me? Just shut up.

  • Still floored about The New Kids On The Block getting back together after what seems like 50 years. WTF!
  • Nobody reads my blogs. Blah, but a sistah shall write on!

  • I have heard 17 different remixes to Lil' Wayne's Lollipop this week...WTF!

  • I actually went an entire week without talking to my ex best friend. WTF and I'm actually okay with that?

  • Why is the one mistake I made of befriending someone still haunting me? Why is my name STILL in this person's mouth? Please get over the fact that you were dismissed and leave me and my friends alone. You've done enough damage, trust me. Why am I on the verge of losing yet another friend behind this bullshit? Humph, I guess if "bullshit" can break a friendship apart, it wasn't that strong to begin with right? WTF ever...

  • My monthly bitch is in town and it's the worse day to deal with whining, illiterate, senseless ass customers complaining about their cable being cut off; knowing that they haven't paid a bill since Dec. '07. Please beat it, I'm not in the mood for it today.

  • Why am I getting calls from someone working behind a register at Home Depot all afternoon? I pick up and hear nothing by forklifts, banging ply wood, falling sheet rock, and cash register noises in the background. I get a 7 minute long voicemail with this shit going on. Please take your phone out of your apron while at work. Hello....KEY LOCK! Matter fact, lose my number; we don't talk anyway.

  • I'm trying to win a party gift basket here at work and I put $13 down for 13 chances to win. Why did this son of a bitch come and put down $50? Then come to my desk, "Tamica dear, I have bad news. You won't be winning that party bucket. I just put down $50 smackers!" Please get out of my face, before my hand goes across your face 50 times. I'm bitter, because I wanted those damn Mike N Ike's out of the basket! Ugh!

  • Why is everybody gay and pregnant? You know what? Never mind.

  • Now here I am at work and I must've missed the Memo, because every one has taken called in today. I come in to a pile of about 50 - 60 files on my desk to bill. They can all kiss my ass today. As a matter of fact, I may go home sick for the afternoon.

Can we say REVERSED HAPPY HOUR?! I am for sure partaking in some strong alcoholic beverages tonight. I will drink away the cramps in my stomach, drink away the dumb asses that surround me all day everyday, drink away the sorrow of missing those who are obviously not coming back, drink away the fact that I will be broke next week. However, I will be drinking to the fact, that my bills are paid, drinking to the fact that I have two good jobs, drinking to the fact that I'm a strong independent woman who has so much love for herself that she can't be touched, drinking to the fact that June is finally here and that means its time for my yearly raise, and most definitely drinking to the fact that I can have a WTF week but still smile throughout the day!

I am more than happy to kiss this week goodbye and submerge myself into a very relaxing weekend ahead. For those who have suffered through a WTF week like I have; here is a toast to you! TGIF!!

Blog World Outcast

"Mica, tell em' why you mad son!" Ha! Well, it's safe to say that I am a blog world outcast! When I first joined this site I was Totally Stoked that I had finally found a place that I may fit in. I was so tired of blogging on Myspace and Downelink receiving little or no feedback. Not to mention the feedback that I was getting was extremely ignorant. Then I stumble onto this site and am totally amazed by people's topics, attitudes, humor, adventures, pictures, etc. When I found out I could subscribe to folks blog and keep up with their current posts; that was right up my alley. I started adding people to my list of intriguing blogs and reading them on a daily. I post comments everyday leaving my thoughts right along with the other 30 people leaving theirs. I was damn excited. Then...

33 blog post later, I realize that once again I am a blogging outcast. Hardly no one reads my blogs, and I can only hope to get 1% of feedback on the post. I'm probably only bothered by it, because I'm sensitive right now. Catch me next week and more than likely I won't give a damn.

Aquarius - May 30, 2008
Adjustments may need to be made for you to relate well to people and situations today, dear Aquarius. Somehow things are a bit off kilter and you may find that the harder you try to fit in, the more you are apt to feel like an oddball. Try not to get caught up in other people's battles and work to maintain a balance between real life and fantasy. Be careful that you don't get so caught up in someone else's world that you forget to deal with your own.

The fact of the matter is, I love writing and whether people read my words or not shouldn't matter. Writing cleanses my soul and helps my days go by so much smoother. I love reading everyone's blogs, because its a source of entertainment to me while I work my 16 hour days. A chick just can't really help but to feel like the odd woman out at times, but its okayyyy! I do appreciate my 3 or 4 readers that do make it a point to comment every once in a while. I don't plan to commit blog suicide or anything; just tellin' why I'm mad at the moment son, loll.
NKOTB Together Again?
Remember them? New Kids On The Block!

My co-worker told me that they were back together again a couple of weeks ago, but I thought she was lying. I was like you can't be serious. New Kids On The Block back on the scene? I actually found it hilarious when I actually thought about them reuniting, but then I blocked the horrible thought from my mind. I mean look at them...


Today when that same co-worker and I were talking she mentioned going to their concert. I told her to let the thought go! They are not getting back together, that is when another co-worker of mine interjected and stated that they were recently on the Today show. What?! So this isn't a joke? So I look it up for myself, and I guess I am just late. Apparently this is something they have had in the works for quite some time. NKTOB together again with a new single entitled Summertime.

Truly bringing the 80's back. (I guess)

The what use to be new kids now have receding hair lines and Grand kids! I'm just shocked to say the least, but hey NKOTB do your thing. Welcome back...you were missed????

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Nikki Part IV
I knew people referred to the world as being a small one, but I didn’t think it was this damn small. I was well aware of what I was getting myself into when I entered the life of Ms. Denise Washington, but this was way more than I bargained for. I didn’t think she would be this beautiful. How could a person like her be so weak? She seems to have it all together on the outside; inside she was a complete mess. Sort of like what she made me out to be. Or more like what I made myself out to be on our first encounter. I had no idea how I would weasel my way into the head of a “head doctor”, but I found my way in when I found out her and Bobbie use to be such great friends.

Humph, Bobbie. She was quite the character. No wonder Denise stopped fooling with her trifling behind. I spent thirteen precious months with that basket case. She took me and everyone else in her life through a whirlwind. She didn’t know a good thing if it slapped her in the face. She used people non-stop and when someone finally came into her life and gave her a dose of her own medicine, she didn’t know how to handle it. That is why I stepped into the picture in the first place. She was about to break, because she was being stepped on. This man she called her husband used and abused her just like she had use and abused so many others throughout her life. She needed me just like all the rest did. I was eager to extend my helping hand, because in some pathetic way, I felt bad for Bobbie. She tried so hard to be this woman that she truly wasn’t. I was there to help her find that person inside of her. I was there to teach her ass a lesson once and for all.

Many sleepless nights came about, because she kept fighting me. She was a woman who was puffed up with pride and tried to push me away with every tactic that came to mind. But she soon realized that she couldn’t push me away. I was unstoppable. I was the elephant in her every room. As time went by, I knew she would soon accept things as they were and work with me instead of against me. Boy was I wrong. This bitch turned on me. She cried insane on me; placed us both in a white room with padded walls. This wasn’t what I signed up for. Something happened to me in that place. The woman I once was, was no more. She did not exist once the trial was over. She did not exist once the flames were put out. She did not exist after that casket was closed. Bobbie can be held accountable for all. I tried my best to be everything that she needed me to be. We made passionate love that was sure to ease her mind to the point where she forgot all else. I guess she was more hooked to that dick than I thought she was. Ha-ha, joke was on me. Or that is what she thought huh? No, not ever! The joke was on her!

I walked away from her with the explosions going off behind me. Now here I am. It looks as if I have found a new home. I have no worries of being caught, because as I’ve said before; I leave the scene with no fingerprints left behind. Bobbie indeed led me to Denise and that was the only thing the bitch was good for. The first task I must accomplish is teaching Ms. Washington how to keep her nose out of places it doesn’t belong. She’s too pretty to be on my bad side.
Work It Out!! - Daily Horoscope

I have put it off for so long! It's time to really start giving more attention to my health and changing my eating habits. Working 16 hour days makes it rather hard to eat the proper foods, but I'm just going to have to discipline myself. First off I need to go grocery shopping. I am embarrassed to say what's in my pantry and refrigerator, but I'll put it out there; NOTHING! I will grab food out in the streets and sometimes just eat one meal a day, because I have so little time to actually sit down and eat. It's taking its toll on me too. Some days I feel so tired, and I know it's because I need to boost my metabolism. Some way, some how a change needs to be made.

Aquarius - May 29, 2008
There may be a great deal of charge in your battery today, dear Aquarius, but you may be a bit unsure of where to place all this energy. Get up and do some exercise. Give your body the workout it needs. Remember what it is like to sweat. You will feel much better about yourself afterward, and you will be much more likely to continue on a healthy path if you start pushing your body to its physical limits.

Lord knows I have never been a skinny girl. I mean at birth I was 5lbs, but that's as good as it's been, loll! I am happy with myself, but due to the fact that I am not getting any younger, it would be wise to make these changes while I am still young enough. For one I need to start eating breakfast; a good breakfast. I have never been a big breakfast eater, and if I do happen to be hungry, I am quick to just grab anything I can get my hands on. Whether it be chips, cookies, doughnuts, chicken, ect. I need to be grabbing some fruit! It's said that breakfast is supposed to be the biggest meal of the day to help jump start the metabolism. That would definitely be a good start.

Luckily I have a job that has a kitchen in it, so there really is no excuse as to why I don't eat breakfast. I can bring food from home and fix it here in the office. First I need to get the food at home though. I'm going to make a "real" grocery list today. As much as I hate grocery shopping, I'm going to suck it up and do it. Get something other than fish sticks and frozen pizzas. I need to get in that kitchen of mine and cook some balanced meals with vegetables. I can cook, I just don't like doing it. Another thing I will suck up and do.

Sometimes doing things that are good for us and our health aren't always as convenient as we'd like them to be, but no one said success was easy to reach. So making these small changes in my diet will jump start my way to a more healthy way of living. I have a key and access code to the fitness center in my apartments....*sigh* I need to use it!
College Wednesday - Know Somebody Like This?
Happy Hump Day! It's been a short week, but I am still glad is half way over. I have been quite attitudinal this morning, so I want to use this post to bring some humor into my day. So with that said, welcome to College Wednesday. It's here that we summarize 99% of the people who you'll ever meet in college or in life. This week we introduce The Faculty Member and The Fashion Monger.

The Faculty Member - This is a student who has become very involved and uses his major as a replacement for a social life. He may, or may not work in the department office, but you'll see him wandering around the office anyway, chatting up the actual faculty. Maybe having lunch in the waiting area. He's only annoying when you actually have a class with him and he takes on the role of a teaching assistant.

Maybe I shouldn't call this person a loser. I mean even though they have no social life what so ever, they seem to have no friends, they spend 99% of time outside of class at a place where they do not work doesn't classify them as loser right? Perhaps this individual views him or herself as investing their time. I'm sure the actual faculty members who happen to work in the department view this person as wasting their time. Who is this person?! Do they even work here? Why are you so happy on Friday when we all get paid? Are you even on the payroll?! Who invited you to the company party?! Security has been called on numerous occasions to remove this person from the building. They keep coming back like a nasty infection. This person wants so much to be a part of something and they play many roles as a leader, when it's obvious that they are not.

The Fashion Monger - The Fashion Monger is on the bleeding edge of fashion! While having some nice clothes is something everyone should invest in, Fashion Monger's entire wardrobe has been purchased from stores so hip that you've never even heard of them. Apparently, it's "hip" and "with it" to pay $500 for jeans that were hand stitched by the hardworking people of Taiwan. And, as we all know, $50 for a silk-screened t-shirt is completely a reasonable price, as long as it was designed by a gay Italian man. yes, nothing says, "I have too much money and not enough common sense" quite like buying clothes with fancy designer labels that are marked up 1000%!

Personally, I don't see the sense in spending hundreds of dollars on one piece of clothing. Some say I might have a different opinion if I actually had the money to throw on it. I doubt I would lose common sense right after I gain wealth. Who knows though? I have been known to blow $600 - $800 in one trip to the mall, but this was on a number of items. Not on one pair of jeans, one pair of shoes, a handbag, or one dress. It doesn't get that good, loll. At this point in my life, I won't be spending this type of cash at the mall. I get the things that I need and the things that are affordable. I do believe in having a nice wardrobe; I am no tacky woman, but let's be reasonable here. All my friends are broke, so if they are into fashion they piece their own design together from what they already have at home, lmao! Now that's fashion!

It's lunch time! See ya'll next week.
Clueless - Daily Horoscope

I try my best not to go to bed with irritating things on my mind, but sometimes I do fail at this task. I also try to not let things get to me when coming from certain people, because these people are never going to change and what they do is to be expected in the first place. This is another task that I fail miserably at times. You ever known a person that you have tried time and time again to communicate with, but they never get the picture? I mean everything is drawn out as clear as the skies above and they still don't get it. You just want to scream and shake them until THEY GET A CLUE!!

Aquarius - May 28, 2008
You may be feeling a little bit lost in the dust today, dear Aquarius. Somehow what you are thinking and feeling is not exactly chiming with the conversation at hand. Don't feel like you need to agree with the group just so you can feel like you fit in. Maintaining your own unique point of view is critical. You are better off rolling with the punches instead of trying to put up a fight.

I have accepted the fact that my logic is quite different from most, but does that mean I should change my point of view because some folks just don't think long and hard enough to get it? Hell no! This morning I had to catch myself before I went totally left field on an individual. When I go totally left, it's hard for me and whatever person I went left on to get right again. Most of the times it's never right again after that. However, I was able to catch myself this morning. I was a little upset about a situation that happened yesterday before I went to work, and I was still bothered by it once I got off. As usual this person played the role that they play oh so well; the dumb role and completely blew it off as if it were nothing. I'm always accused by this person for being petty and tripping on things that aren't "serious". First of all, if I'm tripping over it, then it must be serious. Just because you choose to ignore the obvious does not make me petty, that just makes you inconsiderate.

I really can't stand when a person is sitting in the hot seat and then finds a way to turn everything on you every time! What is so hard about fessing up to your wrongdoings? Your lame excuse is "well you do it all the time". Really? Do I? If that were the case (which it is not) why do you choose to do what I do? That makes you a follower; be your own person. Stop with the bullshit, because you are only making yourself look dumber than what you already do. But perhaps, you are okay with that. You don't mind acting clueless in every situation. Perhaps you don't mind pushing me further and further away.

This morning I realized that my constant battles with this person was pointless and I was indeed fighting a brick wall. Some people will never change no matter how much you try to communicate with them on certain issues. I'm not into forcing change upon someone, and sometimes you have to suck it up and take it. Or in my case; you need to get a clue and realize that you are no good for this person and this person is damn sure no good for you. If it one thing I don't have time for, that is drawing colorful pictures for blind people.

How To Be Black 101

"Yo T Dawg, what up yo?" "How you living homie?" "Word up son!" "You feel me?" All phrases coming from my co-worker who happens to be white. The first time Mr. Keenan spoke such terms to me, I didn't let it bother me; in fact I completely ignored it. The second time, I glared at him with that "are you serious?" look on my face. I noticed that he does not talk to anyone else in the office like this. However, he makes it a point to say something "ethnic" every time he speaks to me. He informed me that he was just trying to be "down". I've had to set a few people straight here in my office on multiple occasions for this same crap. There are 4 other people in my cubicle group, and as an inside joke we call one another dawg. We have always done this and we hardly use each other's real names. This is something that is mutual, between co-workers/friends. There have been people to come up to me that don't know me on that level to throw up the peace sign and say "what up T dawg?" Please beat it, you don't know me like that. Just because you hear someone else call me that does not give you the right to do so as well. I have a very close friend that call me "bitch" as a term of endearment, but I bet not hear anyone else call me that. Stay in your place; especially in your place as a mere co-worker.

Working in a company that you can count the number of black people using one hand, its truly easy to realize just how racist people are. What they really think of your race. Too many times I've been asked, "Tamica, why do black people put fake hair in their heads?" "Tamica, why do black people give their children such long names?" "Tamica, why do black people put those gold teeth in their mouth?" "Tamica, why do black people put those big shiny rims on their cars?" I DON'T KNOW! I am not Al Sharpton! Please beat it. Every time they want to know a name of the latest rap song, or which black rapper recently went to prison, they ask me. If at anytime you have to start a sentence with, "I hope this isn't offensive…" DO NOT SAY IT! 99% of the time, it will be offensive. I'm sick of these people (and yes I said these people) mistaking me for ALL of Black America.

So I had to set Mr. K straight today when he came up to my desk to bring me invoices. He greeted me with "Yo, yo what up T?" I kindly asked him to refrain from speaking to me in that manner and speak to me just as he speaks to everyone else in this office. I am no exception, because you expect me to "feel you" because of my skin color. Slit your wrist dude. That shit pissed me off. Now if I stepped foot in this office acting they way they expect me to ask, I'd be fired. My mother and I have both been labeled as "weird" because we don’t act like "normal black people". I'm not sure exactly what they expect from me, my mother and any other black person who works here, but they really need to check themselves.

Mr. K, Mrs. H or Mrs. D has one more time to approach me with this bullshit and I'm going to upper management. I believe with the new policies being enforced here they need to add one more.
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Back To Work; Heavy Duty - My Tuesday Rambles

Ah, Tuesday we meet again! Although I could use just one more day's vacation, I won't bitch and moan about returning back to work. This is only because I enjoyed my weekend so much. I turned over a positive leaf and let the rays of sunshine seep into my dark world. Right before my eyes closed last night I prayed hard that this week would be much better than last week. I have tons of work to do here at the office since the month is coming to a close. So work wise it'll be hectic, but I can honestly say that I enjoy weeks like this, because my mind is constantly occupied. So I'll gladly slave over my desk, with the appreciation of even having a damn job.

Another challenge that will evolve this week is lack of funds. Money is definitley funny right now. If I could only get one more stimulus check from the government, loll; that would be superb! To top it all off, rent is due, electricity bill is due and my cell phone bill is due at the end of the week. Oh joy! I hate coming up with that rent money, but it feels damn good once it's paid and you realize that you've paid for space in your own place. Top Ramen will definitely be my gormet meal of choice this week, loll. Just another reason why I must slave at these two jobs of mine. Life isn't all peaches and cream, but living in my adulthood, I have learned to apprciate those small things. Not to mention the value of a dollar.

In light of it all, I do have some good news. I found out from my big Sister that my Niece and Nephew will be down at the beginning of July and will be staying through August until school starts back up. I miss my babies and I can't wait to see them. Even though my Nephew is finishing up Driver's Ed this summer and my Niece will be headed to the 7th grade; they are still my babies! I can't believe how much they've grown up! My Nephew's voice is deeper than Barry White, loll. My Niece, the ONLY Capricorn I will tolerate, is as sassy as ever. Too grown for her own good, loll. I hope to have as much fun this summer as we did last summer. Can't wait!

Well duty calls! Actually, it's screaming. I hope everyone can comfortably get back into the swing of things after this long weekend. Have a wonderful week and don’t work too hard!
Transformation - Daily Horoscope
Aquarius - May 27, 2008
It is time for you to finally apply the knowledge that you have accumulated and come to recognize as truth, dear Aquarius. It could be that you have simply been sitting on a large pile of facts while contemplating their meaning. It is now time to get this information out into the open. There is no doubt that this action is likely to make waves, but that is fine. Transformation is a key theme of the day, so feel free to contribute your part.

So I have all my information gathered and I have analyzed all possible routes to take for this transformation. Now the only thing left to do is put it all into action. I've sat on my hands long enough and the work won't be accomplished on it's own. It's time...
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The Bullet Of Reality - Daily Horoscope

Well my mini vacation is almost over. I dread leaving my parents house and stepping back into my reality. I have thoroughly enjoyed myself here and I'd give anything to stay just a few more days. Surrounded by unconditional love, with little or no responsibility, no worries and no expectations. I love it! Too bad it's over.

Aquarius - May 26, 2008
It is obvious how much you like to dream, dear Aquarius, and certainly, this is an important part of your existence. Realize, however, that there comes a time when you must face reality. This is one of those days when you need to bite the bullet and deal with your bills. Take care of annoying errands that you have been putting off for weeks. Send the letters that have been building up on your desk for days. Stop making excuses.

Yes indeed tomorrow it is back to work and my normal routine. I was faced with the reality that I seriously need to go on a budget and truly save some money. I'm going to have to make some changes and stop spending money like my last name is Combs. I need to stop with the many excuses and do something with that apartment of mine. I need to take better care of myself health wise and stop with the excuses that I'm still young and I'll live another day regardless. The truth behind that is that young people even younger than me are dying every day with problems that were once reserved for older people.

Shit has to be taken care of in my life and it's nobodies responsibility but my own. These horoscopes lately have been placing me under a microscope and slowly have been picking me a part little by little. It's what I need, I suppose. So with that said, grab the sawed off and shoot that muthafucka; this is one of life's bullets that I must bite with the quickness.
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One Deep - Daily Horoscope

I didn't get to write yesterday, because I just really wasn't feeling it. I literally started out writing the same blog about 6 times, but I ended up deleting every single draft. My moods are so up and down now. One day I'm positive and happy and then the next I'm gloomy and blue. Whatever phase this is that I am going through I hope it passes soon. I want for my days to be stable again emotionally. I have come to some very sad realities over the course of the past two days, and I'm just trying to find the best way to deal with them. I know the way that I choose to deal with situations in my life can determine how it all plays out. Right now I just don't know. I know the thoughts that I'm having can't be all that healthy, so I'm trying to pray and shake them off. Anyway, this is what my horoscope said today;

Aquarius - May 25, 2008
Going with the flow may not necessarily appeal to you today, dear Aquarius. This is one of those times when you may want to be the one fish swimming upstream while everyone else is heading downstream. Feel free to go your own way, regardless of what the rest of the school has to say about it. You may get pressured by your loved ones to act a certain way or go somewhere special. Don't do these things just to please someone else. Do what pleases you.

This morning all I wanted to do was stay in my bed all day. I had plans for the day, but I watched the clock circle hour after hour. I didn't feel like being around anyone today. My sister called me to ask if I still wanted to hang out. I didn't feel like getting up, but I pulled all that I had in me and get out of bed to go pick up my big Sis. I was in a zone the entire ride over to her house. My surroundings were sunny and the skies were blue, but I had a dark cloud over my world. That was until I saw my Sister's smiling face when she came outside the front door. I said a quick prayer before she actually got in the car; asking God to give me the strength and see to it that I enjoy the time spent with my Sister. And I did...

We decided to drive out to our parents house. My Mom and Dad cooked and we ate, watched movies and talked. I laughed and truly enjoyed myself. I even set up my Sister's blog so that she can start writing her as well. She's so excited about it. She's such a spiritual woman and sometimes when I read her words they truly lift me up.

I have one more day off of work and I hope that I'm lifted completely out of this funk I'm in. I'm still at my parents house right now, and I do look forward to another day spent with my family. They have proved to be my sanity throughout this whole emotional down spiral I'm going experiencing. It's midnight and I don't feel like sleeping, so I'll probably do a little bit more writing and read a few blogs.
God Bless America - Weekly Re-Cap

America is definitely NOT free, but I'm not complaining because due to the fact that someone spread this rumor we got a 3 day weekend out of it! Anticipation of this weekend got me through my work week. I actually had a good week too.

I suffered through my little loneliness phase, but thank goodness I regained my sanity and I'm over that spell. I have learned in order to keep the spice in my life, I must roam into areas that I never thought about roaming before. It's okay to get out of my comfort zone at times. I plan to live a little bit more starting this weekend. I also learned that just because I grant someone with an all access pass to my heart doesn't mean they will physically be in my life forever. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. I've learned that everyone will not understand me, and me trying to force my logic, desires and beliefs onto them doesn't work. Sometimes I just need to shut up, take heed to the signs and learn when it's time to let go and let time do it's thing. Meanwhile, I have to continue to live life and let other's live their own. Great lessons this week, can't wait to see what I learn next week.

This weekend is going to be quite fun filled and eventful. After I get off work tonight, I plan on going out to what used to be my Friday night spot. I'm not even going to bother ringing up anyone to accompany me; I'm going by my damn self. Buy myself a couple martinis and enjoy my night. I know I'll run into more than a few people I know and kick it with them throughout the night.

Saturday I have some cleaning to do, but I also plan to squeeze in a little shopping before I have to go to work that night. I may just stay in Saturday night, I'm not sure yet. Usually I just wait and see what pops off, but if nothing does I always enjoy my time spent at home.

Sunday I'm going to a get together with some co-worker/friends. This is my first time hanging out with them outside the office and outside an occasional lunch here and there. This should be interesting. Of course for the most part I'm the only face of a different race in the office, so I know they way "they" party is something definitely outside of my norm, loll. They plan on getting a slip-n-slide as part of the festivities aside from drinking the night away and grilling up some chow.

This is the one that they want to get...

But this is probably what it'll probably end up being...

I will not be getting on the damn thing regardless. I want to go mingle, drink, eat and see exactly how long I can stand to be around, loll. If they start acting a fool, I am out of there. I want to actually come into work on Tuesday morning and be able to look these people in the eye. I can't stay late anyway, because I have date with my big Sis on Sunday night. She's supposed to be spending the remainder of the weekend with me. I'm going to try and talk her into spending the night at our parents house Sunday night. I don't have ANY food in my apartment, and I know exactly where to get the free food and the home cooked meals, loll. So as a matter of fact, whether she likes it or not, that is where we will be come Sunday night right on into Monday morning. My Dad usually BBQ's on Memorial Day, so I'll definitely be sticking around for that.

I can't wait for the weekend to start. I'm about to go into that mode right now! I wish everyone a safe and fun filled Memorial Day weekend! Do everything I WOULDN'T do!

Upon Deaf Ears - Daily Horoscope

Man you ever tried talking to a person over and over about the same thing? The things you desire, the things that need to be changed, the things that could make you or break you? You use metaphors, past experiences; you do everything but draw a damn map for them. You're screaming it all out to this person in so many ways and they still don't hear you. Your voice is falling upon deaf ears. How annoying is that?!
Friday, May 23, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You might not be so eager to tell anyone what you need now with the Moon in your 12th House of Secrets. You should feel better once someone else knows what you want, but it may not turn out like that. Don't assume that you will receive a warm reception, for the relationship landscape is temporarily cooling. Nevertheless, talking about your emotions logically can help things heat up later on.

So yesterday I've decided that I was tired of talking. Tired of explaining the same thing over and over only for those painfully obvious things to fall upon deaf ears. When in the hot seat most people will play the dumb role. They will clam up and deny all accusations thrown at them. I suppose it is easier to do that than to face the music. However, there are times when the music needs to be faced, because what you may or may not say next could determine your future existence in someones life you really love. At times like this, that love alone is just not enough. Empty promises of "I love you", "I'm working on it", "This takes time" are not enough! I need later on to be right now! Hell I needed later on to have been last week!

It's naturally hard for me to let people go that I've fit into my daily routine, because I've grown accustom to them being in my life in some way every single day. I tend to hold on to people when they are clearly not meant to be in my life at the moment. I hold on to people who are in a different stage in life than I am. Imagine the frustrations brought about from that. They are rocking to a different beat than you are. Hell, I'm in a totally different genre of music, an entirely different book and am on a completely different planet. I suppose I expect us somehow, some way to telepathically operate on the same level of thinking and logic. NOT! Instead, I run around in circles hitting the same brick wall over and over again. So I scream, I kick, I throw things hoping that the person will get the picture to step their game up and to step it up quickly. This has yet to happen and I've grown bored and tired of the situation. When this happens, there is nothing left for me to do but to pack that Samsonite and move on.

"The relationship landscape is temporarily cooling." Meaning I am about to be SO over this in a hot second. Therefore, turn up that hearing aid and catch me next time if you can. Hopefully I'll be listening then. Peace.

Nikki Part III
It had been three weeks since I planned to take my life and Nikole Seasons, who calls herself Nikki, indirectly saved me from doing so. Come to find out she came to me by way of my old college roommate, Bobbie Kees. I have received many referrals from tons of clients, family members, and friends, but none of them can hold a candle to Nikole Seasons. She is absolutely flawless; standing about 5 feet 9 inches, golden caramel complexion, tight oval shaped eyes, full luscious lips with perfect teeth to match. She was gorgeous on the outside; with a body that could bring any woman or man to their knees. However, on the inside there seemed to be a million volcanoes erupting all at once. Let’s face it, she is a mess! The day she showed up on my doorstep she ended up staying for three hours. She totally helped me escape my own issues. Usually in cases of emergencies I charge double by the hour, but I couldn’t convince myself to take her money even if I wanted to. I was for sure in no need of it. I had been blessed to be named the top psychologist with the most clients in my office. So having one case on the house was no problem.

It took her quite some time to warm up to me, and that is quite understandable, because I was a complete stranger. Here she was in my living room attempting to empty her mental space and place it in my hands. I told her to take her time and only share as much information with me that she felt comfortable to. There were a few moments of silence and during these times I took the time to look at her. She was indeed a well groomed woman; youthful with a sense of elegance that I hadn’t encountered before. There was no doubt that his woman took pride in herself and her appearance. I have known women like this to be someone who uses their physical beauty to cover up the mental bruises they portray. All those insecurities that lie within them. I could not help but to wonder would she be just like the rest of those women as I sate there tracing the frame of her perfectly sculptured body.

“I know you must think I’m crazy and I sincerely want to extend my apologies once again for showing up on such short notice.” She said with her eyes plastered to the pants of her white business suit. She looked up at me with such remorse and my heart instantly went out to her. “It’s just that lately I have been struggling with so many emotions that I knew if I didn’t talk to someone soon I would completely lose it.”

“Well, I am glad that you decided to speak to someone. Most people don’t recognize the dangers of stress and don’t act on their problems until something traumatic occurs. So kudos to you for that.” I sate there feeling so unprepared. I know I should have had my legal pad and recorder in front of me, but I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable than she already was. I would have to wing this one and depend on my memory alone. “So what exactly have you been struggling with lately Nikole? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Oh Dr. Washington! My life has made a complete 360 in the past two months. Things weren’t perfect, but they were manageable. I had a wonderful career, a healthy bank account, a loving family, great friends, and the world was at my fingertips. I did not break when I lost the biggest case of my career. I didn’t break when my house burned down with everything that I owned inside. I didn’t break when my childhood friend of 31 years sexually assaulted and raped me. I didn’t break when I found out I was pregnant with his child. It wasn’t until my other half, my sanity, my identical twin took her life.” Tears were streaming down her face by this time. I felt a lump in my throat as well, because this was a ton of misery for just one person to take on.

I walked over to my fireplace and grabbed the box of Kleenex and handed them to her. “I can see how all of this would break you Nikole. I honestly wouldn’t know how to handle so much at one time myself. You prove to be a very strong woman.”

“I was raised to be strong and to never let anything or anyone cause me to fall on my face. I was taught that every hurdle can be jumped no matter how high. But when I walked into my sister’s condo and saw her hanging from the banister of her staircase, I fell flat on my face.” She wiped her nose and dried her face. “I lost it that day. And the world that I once had, ended.”

“I know that you mentioned you and your sister were close. Were you aware of any problems that she might’ve had that would make her take her life?” I asked, as I sat there marinating in my own guilt. I felt so selfish and horrible for what I was about to do one second before this woman knocked on my door. I sat there looking at how miserable she was. Look at how much sorrow was in her life now that her sister was gone. I couldn’t imagine taking my best friend and family through this type of pain.

“She was a free spirit. She lived her life on the edge and this was something that I was always envious of. I was the one who always had to have such a structured life and I worried about everything. She spent most of her days trying to get me to loosen up. That’s why I don’t understand why she would kill herself!” she laid her head on the back of my couch and stared at the ceiling for quite some time. I wanted to interject, but I decided against it. “Her and my parents didn’t get along. She always jokingly said that if she were to die, they wouldn’t care, because all they cared about was me anyway. I never took her seriously on this matter, because mom and dad loved her.”

“How do your parents feel now? What were their conditions after the…funeral?” Speaking of death with my clients was something that I wasn’t comfortable with. I was trained not to hesitate in any of my words and deliverance when dealing with clients, but sometimes it is hard. I took a deep breath and awaited her response.

“Well my mother was a wreck. I knew it was more guilt than anything. My dad didn’t show much emotion. He didn’t cry at her funeral, but when he speaks of her now the sorrow in which he feels seeps through his pores. I know they both feel bad for the relationship that they chose to have or not have with her, but now it’s too late.” She rubbed her stomach. “It’s too late for a lot of things…”

“Lots of things like what?” I asked.

“Once I finally came to grips with the fact that I had life growing inside of me, it was too late.” She started to cry again. “I hated that life at first. I selfishly only thought about me and I just knew that my career would be jeopardized because of this “curse” that was placed inside of me.” She shook her head back and forth. “He showed me. God has made me pay for my thoughts. He allowed me to grow to love the child within me and then He took it away from me!”

“Did you miscarriage?” I asked.

“Yes.” She said with a light chuckle. She dabbed her eyes dry again. “And here I was so worried about the baby ruining my career and I lost the biggest case of my career on my own!” She looked back up to the ceiling and yelled, “I hear you loud and clear! I get it!”

“Nikole, I don’t know if you are a religious woman, but I must say that I don’t believe God does anything to purposely hurt us. Things happen in our lives that are meant to teach us a lesson, but Satan is the cause of all evil. I don’t think that God took the lives of your sister and your unborn child.” I hope that I didn’t overstep the code of ethics by dabbling too much into the whole religion thing.

“Maybe you’re right. Perhaps all of this was just mapped into my life’s timeline and design. Who knows? I just want to know how the hell am I going to get through this one with all my marbles still accounted for, you know?” She rhetorically asked.

“Yes, I know. Like I said earlier, it is quite apparent that you are a very strong woman with a great deal of common sense. I know that this is indeed a very high hurdle to jump and I am here to help you whenever you need it. Don’t hesitate to call me when you feel the need to. Besides, any friend of Bobbi’s is a friend of mine”, I smiled at her hoping to bring some light into her world as impossible as I thought it was at the moment.

To my surprise she smiled back. “I do thank you again Dr. Washington for allowing me into your home and listening to me spill my guts.” She laughed. “I don’t want this to be the last time that we speak and I know that I will need more than just this one session.” She reached into her purse and handed me her business card. “Please give me a call at my office so that we can set up something more legit and professional so to speak. I know your services aren’t free. In fact, here you go.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a hundred dollar bill. “Please take this, because I can’t leave here without paying you for just listening to me. You have no idea how much was lifted off of me just venting out to you.”

I pushed her hand away. “I will not accept your monies Nikole. You came here on behalf of a very dear friend of mine. I couldn’t possibly charge you for this. Let’s just consider this one on the house.” I winked as I got up from my love seat. “We will indeed set up regular appointments for you to attend at my office. Then I’ll have to take your money,” I laughed. We both headed for the door. “Well thank you for allowing me to listen to you today Nikole, and please expect my call sometime tomorrow afternoon.” I said opening the front door so she could depart.

“Please call me Nikki, Dr. Washington. I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of your evening.” She said walking out into the darkness of the night to her car.

I did call her the next day to set up our first appointment which is scheduled for today. I got in touch with Bobbie a couple days after my first encounter with Nikki. Now that she and I are well off into our separate lives and careers we don’t have much time for one another now days. Every blue moon we get together for lunch just to catch up on times that have slipped by us. It is always an enjoyable occasion and a pleasure to see how successful my friend has become. However, this last occasion was quite different. Everything was going well until I mentioned her name. The name of the woman who seems to become more and more mysterious with every thought that she steals in my mind. When I spoke the name of Nikole Seasons you would’ve thought Bobbie had seen a ghost. Needless to say our lunch date was cut short that day. I am curious to know why and I will find out sooner than later.
What's Your Pump Size Lady? - Daily Horoscope
Earlier this week I spoke on the strong desire for some excitement in my life and of course it got me to thinking; *sigh* that what I could possibly desire is companionship. I hate the feeling of wanting someone else, although I know it comes along with the territory of being human, but damn! I've tried so hard to complete myself and consider being single as a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I love being single, but sometimes I do yearn to have some form of mental intimacy in my life. Usually during times like this I cross that danger zone and call up one of my exes and open up a can of worms that end up biting me in the ass. I understand the reason why I have been feeling this way when I read my horoscope this morning;
Aquarius - May 22, 2008
Your romantic, sensitive nature is coming alive today, dear Aquarius, and you may find yourself searching for the security of a close lover. More than likely, you are finding yourself to be more picky than usual, and not just anyone will do anymore. There is a longing within you for the company of someone who shares your deep intuitive understanding of people, emotions, and life in general. Don't settle for anything less.

This isn't good man. I mean searching for security in my eyes is never good. Maybe that comes along with being the control freak that I am. How can I have total control and need someone as an emotional crutch at the same time? Major contradiction! However, maybe I need to just think like a human and give into my desires for excitement. Go out on a couple dates and actually answer a couple of the phone calls coming into my sidekick. I can honestly say that I had given up hope on dating anyone remotely close to what I desire in a woman. Every single person has fallen short; either by an inch or a mile. I made up my mind a long time ago not to settle for less, because I am so tired of playing the teacher role. I have to be the one to lead every meaningful conversation, I have to be the one to think the most logical thoughts, I have to be the one to bring up each and every intelligent argument and win them every time! I keep attracting these girls who are mentally under developed and don't seem to know who they are and what they want in life yet. I desire a woman who knows this already and can teach me a thing or two, challenge me mentally, verbally, sexually and spiritually; pull me off of my high horse and knock me off my damn feet.

So that brings me to the question; what's your pump size lady? Where is the woman that can actually fit the description of what I want? Am I asking for too much? Whats wrong with wanting a woman with the 3 B'? Brains, beauty and the booty? I'll keep it real and take 2 out of 3, because lately I haven't even been getting 1. I know that is rare for a person to find the total package and that is only because humans are never satisfied, so our potential mate will always be lacking something no matter what.

I know that the kind of woman that I am is hard to get along with. I have so many pet peeves it's ridiculous, I'm extremely technical and analytical. I have little or no patience and I have zero tolerance for ignorance. I am a very opinionated woman that says the first thing that comes to her mind. I can admit that I am very hard on my loved ones. I have to make sure people are truly worth having in my heart, more than likely out of fear of being hurt again. I'm moody, bitchy and down right mean. On the flip side, to those that deserve it; I'm compassionate, understanding, kind and generous.

I know I'm on some real fairytale shit right now; wanting that perfectly imperfect Cinderella to come and slip her beautiful pedicured feet into these pumps. The thought is nice, but realistically it might not happen anytime soon. My next mate might fall short again just like all the rest and perhaps I'll have to turn my fate over to the hands of time to mold that particular woman into what seems to be the right match for me.

I'm on some other shit right now. Perhaps a late night (one night) rumble in the sheets will cure these plaguing thoughts, loll. Just playing...
College Wednesday - Know Somebody Like This?
Welcome to College Wednesday where we summarize 99% of the people who you'll ever meet in college or in your everyday life. This week we're going to discuss a very serious issue. We introduce The Facbook Addict and The Facebook Zombie:

Facebook Addict - The Facebook Addict often makes references to who changed/added what, and who "it's complicated" with who. Most of their sentences begin with "omg did you see ________ on his/her wall?" and end with "Tag it!" They check Facebook every chance they get, only to get pissed when they don't have a new wall post from when they last checked it 18 seconds ago. They are amazed by those who mini-feed say they have "no recent activity" and how they have such self control. The Facebook Addict often joins many groups and is only moments away from becoming The Facebook Zombie.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I for one HATE Facebook! I remember when it was only for college students and you couldn't even be part of the site if you didn't a college email address, linking you to the school as proof. Now that it's open to everyone, the shit has gone insane.

Mark Zuckerberg Founder and CEO of Facebook

Mark Z. and his friends came up with this amazing idea for students at Harvard. People loved it, so they decided to branch it out to other schools. Time goes by and the dude is a millionaire! People are hooked to this site. I thought Myspace was bad! Here is a way you can keep up with old high school and college classmates and a way you can't escape from them, in my case. I can't even tell you the last time I logged onto Facebook, because I kept getting messages from an old school mate telling me how horrible it was for me to have turned gay and then in the same message telling me she wanted to come spend the night with me! I can't say that I was or ever will be a Facebook addict, especially now that it's so commercialized and all these applications have been added. I did know a few addicts, but I think they've gone through a 12 step program an no longer harass me about accepting invitations and responding to wall posts. Thank goodness!

The Facebook Zombie - This person comes to class every single time, yet spends 100% of class time on their laptop. They believe that if one comes to class, one will somehow absorb telepathically from the professor. They usually are on Facebook, Forums (Many are Goons) Some sort of RPG, Solitaire, you name it. The important thing, though, is that they are not paying attention to class at all, ever! They tend to hover in the back, and have ultra quick minimizing reflexes if a lone TA should wander back there.

Now this is sad; not only are you not learning a damn thing, you're wasting your life away on this annoying site! What could one possibly do all day on FACEBOOK?! This is beyond me. I've been one to take my laptop to class and I'm not going to lie; I will be on Myspace, which is now played out horribly! A few of my professors had a rule of turning off all laptops during the lecture, because they knew what was going on. This is good, because I really did need to be paying attention just as The Facebook Zombie does!

This concludes this week's College Wednesday. I hope everyone has a splendid day! See ya next week.

Suck It Up - Daily Horoscope
Growing up in a religion that was very strict; I never indulged too much in astrology. Every now and then I would check out my daily horoscope and would find myself surprised at how on point it was. I always brushed it off as coincidence and even to this day, I still do at times. The more people I've met, friends I've made and long-term, short-term and intimate relationships I've had; I found it interesting to do my research on each person's astrological sign. This definitely helped me understand more about human behavior and how to react with each person I came across. It also taught me a lot about myself and why I do most of the things I do and why I think in the ways that I do.

Being an Aquarius certainly has it's perks. We are truly one of a kind and our intelligence is beyond the sky. The line of creativity, imagination and strength is never ending. We are great lovers when we find worth in the right one. It's just hard to find the right one. Fear and analytical ways stop us from doing so. We are indeed misunderstood by most, but understood amongst those of our kind. We straight up don't reside on the same planet as everyone else. This alone makes us intriguing, mysterious and wanted by many. This is just the very least of it all. We most definitely have our flaws, but most of the time those flaws are our greatest qualities. Many would disagree with me and these are probably the ones that have been let go by an Aquarius, loll. Hey, I didn't say everyone would dig us! That is okay though, because folks like us, dig ourselves too much to really care if anyone else does! This brings me to today's horoscope concerning friendships, tolerance and patience:

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You are quite capable of taking care of yourself -- and this often works in your favor. Now, however, you are so responsive to what everyone else needs that you may feel frustrated or even resentful about how much you must give of yourself. Nevertheless, it's worth exploring your own discomfort so you can push through any negativity. Being a better friend to others will make you happier with yourself.

I have been struggling in the friend department lately. As a matter of fact some of my friendships are on life support holding on to every breath taken. This has left me on edge and has pushed me into that ever so comfortable shell I'm used to crawling into. I never really thought about the status of other friendships that I have with people being jeopardized because of the downfall of my main friendships. I have come to realize that people in my life actually do confide in me and expect me to be there for them during their time of need; as I should be. I've gone into this selfish state and have been ignoring the knocks of many begging me to come out and listen to their problems and empathize with them in some kind of way. Despite of the way I feel at the moment, I must be there for my friends, because they've never turned their backs on me when I needed them. So, I suck it all up and lend my shoulder to cry on and my ears to speak upon. Some of the things that I've heard lately are some things that I can honestly say I do NOT agree with, but I keep my mouth closed and still listen. Yes, it does make me somewhat uncomfortable, because I'd rather be hiding under a rock, shunning myself from the outside world, but duty as a friend calls.

It does make me happy when my friends are happy. I feel at peace when they have made it over their life's humps and have taken on a new lesson in life. In some way I feel accomplished as well, because I was there to help in some way and also learn right along with them. I'm truly not a people person, but I love the study of people. I don't have many friends, so that makes the few friendships that I do have very dear to me. So therefore, I do suck up whatever personal problems I may be facing and I'm there all the way for my friends!

Just don't bother me during C.S.I, Big Brother, Amazing Race or Survivor: ya'll know the drill, loll!
Where's The Punch Line? - My Tuesday Rambles
I feel like I'm rockin' to a tight beat, but I'm stuck in a horrible verse; awaiting the hook. And where the fuck is the punch line?! Whats a tight beat without suitable lyrics? I'm better off rockin' a cappella. My daily routine is becoming rather redundant. Waking every morning at 6:30 a.m, shower, get dressed, make my bed, make it to the office by 7:30 a.m, tackle the work load on my desk, leave the office at 4:00 p.m, weave through the horrible Houston traffic, make it to my second job by 4:45 p.m, attempt to be the best customer service representative I can possibly be, leave the call center at 9:00 p.m and be home again by 9:07 p.m. What goes down the following day? The same damn thing! My life is very structured and has little room for change. I made it this way on purpose though; for my own sick reasons.

My life is not totally boring, because the people that I cross paths with everyday won't allow it to be that way. I just need some form of excitement. My co-worker had a birthday party for her cats and as ridiculous as that sounds; I should've went, loll. I've never heard of anyone having a birthday party for their pets, but the woman made it sound so exciting and fun. This is when I realized, I was numb to the thought of real excitement. I mean I was seriously contemplating attending a birthday party for some damn cats! I need an adventure, hell I need a real vacation. I need to hop on a plane and go somewhere away from my everyday environment. Having a bad ass female to accompany me wouldn't be bad either, loll. I made a vow to myself that I would go on some type of vacation this year no matter what, and the year is almost half way over. I'm still holding strong to that vow though. I need it. Scratch that, I deserve it.

I'm craving the feeling of newness. I need something different in my life right now. I need to swap out my friend base or expand it in some way. I'm definitely suffering a drought in that area. Don't even get me started on conversation; the same dead ass encounters everyday with the same people. My brain needs a bath and a jump; electrocute that bad boy! I'll keep this all the way real when I say I could use a new womanly figure in my life. A new soft voice, a new soft body, a new soft touch, a new form of intimate yet intellectual conversation. This will indeed give me something to look forward to everyday. Dangers behind this are still the same as they've always been. Get that body, get use to that new voice, touch that body, conversation gets old and I get bored; I'm out the door and another one bites the dust. A never ending cycle that seems to go on in my life, but is indeed my own fault. In order for that newness to stay new, I must commit to it. Ha! I don't think so, I rebel when restricted and I hate the feeling of obligation. So I'll pass, thanks. I truly don't want to use any female for my own selfish desires and this is why I've been sticking things out solely by myself. I'm not going to convert back to my old ways, because I know this is wrong. I am a person who likes to have her cake and eat it too. All pun intended when it comes to me and women. My track record is shameful and it's something that I'm not proud of.

So I do yearn that feeling of newness, and I will find it in different ways. Perhaps I'll do some volunteering, actually respond to my messages on facebook and catch up with my old high school buddies, spend way more time with my family, visit all the museums in Houston, take a risk and do something different that doesn't harm myself or anyone else. I have a void that needs to be filled and new lyrics to this song that needs to be written. The beat is definitely knocking like an old Doug E. Fresh and The Get Fresh Crew tune, but I just need that punch line to bring it on home!
Kick Off Your Shoes And Have A Seat
I have been on my own for well over a year now and I still don't have any furniture. I didn't want to spend money putting furniture in my old place, because I hated that dump. I wanted to save up money and decorate my new place, in which I'm in now and turn it into my dream apartment. So far, so good. The layout 780 sq ft 1 bedroom 1 bath is perfect for me. The closet is gigantic and the kitchen is wide open! I was in love the complex the first time I stumbled upon it looking for KFC. I claimed it as soon as I laid eyes on it. I went to check them out and tour the place and this only escalated my determination. Come to find out I got a discount on the rent for being a Comcast employee, so I was stoked all the way.

I've been trying to buy things to contribute to the decoration of it every week when I have time. My bedroom is basically done; the only thing that's missing is a painting of some sort and a TV stand for the flat panel. I'm in the process of working on the bathroom now. I've decided to go with earth tone colors, because it is out of my norm. I've always been a black and white girl. I wanted to add a little color to my life in any way possible. There was a furniture store that I was planning on buying my living room and dining room set from, but the place closed down a couple weeks ago. However a co-worker of mine hipped me to another place right down the street from my apartment. I was looking on the website today and found a few pieces that I might choose between. Check them out.

I like this one...

This is actually my number one choice!

Dig this one...

Dig this one too...

So far those are my choices. I think I'll be able to work with those in my place. This weekend I plan to go out and take a look at them in person and possibly make a purchase. I'm not the decorating type, but I've been actually having fun with this. Pretty soon, I'll have my dream apartment and I'll be living the good life!

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Free Will - Quote of the Week
Here I am at the start of another work week. I thoroughly enjoyed my weekend. The time spent with my mother yesterday was beautiful beyond measure. She was so happy to have me accompany her at church. She spent about an hour and a half introducing me to all the people she knew and had spoken to about me. In a way I felt bad, because I had missed out on so much not going to church for the past year and a half. So many new faces and so many old faces that just lit up when I walked in the building. I didn't promise my mother the next time I'd be back, but I do plan on visiting again. After church we went out to eat at my favorite restaurant that we'd plan to go to for so long, but never got a chance to make it. We enjoyed a couple smoked apple martinis and feasted on our crusted Parmesan chicken breast with cheesy mashed potatoes and broccoli. Dinner was great! I think my mother got a little loose after that second martini, because she started to talk to me about men and relationships. This is something we NEVER talk about. My family is pretty private and our private lives is something we just don't discuss. People always ask me if my mother knows about my sexuality and I always say no, because she never asked. My being a lesbian is not something that I'm hiding, it's just the simple fact that it's my business and I don't feel the need in going around broadcasting it.

Aside from relationships, my mother commented on how proud of me she was for holding my own and being an independent young woman. It made me think of all the women on her side of the family, none of them have been dependent on a man before. They are all strong women that take care of home themselves. My mother has my dad, but she has made is clear that she doesn't need him to live her life. I was blessed with those same traits and I am thankful for them. I know so many girls and women my age who can't stand to live without a man or woman. They always have to be in a relationship to feel some type of security. They are never secure by themselves. I decided a long time ago that I would never depend on a man for anything. I would always love and take care of myself. So far, that's what I've been doing and I'm loving every minute of it. I've had my time where I did feel the need to be validated by a man or woman. I got out of that stage in life, thank goodness! My past relationships didn't work out for various reasons, but one of those reasons were that none of them seemed to be able to think straight. No offense to any of them reading, but sometimes I questioned if their head were attached to their bodies. Each one of them reminded me of why I need to just depend on myself and that life is better off with just me. I do desire to have a mate, but I desire a mate that is able to think for herself and make logical choices in life. Understand that her character is what makes her a whole. Have common sense and think! This brings me to this week's quote by Ayn Rand:

"That which you call your soul or spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call 'free will' is your mind's freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character." - Ayn Rand, "Atlas Shrugged"

Our mental is literally our only sense of freedom. I have to bring up the common sense factor again; this is a MUST HAVE! If you don't have sensible thoughts, how can you make sensible choices. Without sense, your character is basically a waste of space. What are you here for? We were equipped with a tool called a brain and it is so sad that most people don't use it. So I definitely desire a mate that recognizes their free will to think and understands that their choices is what determines their future and character.
Exhale; Time For New Blessings - Weekly Re-Cap
TGIF!! I say that with the utmost sincerity and excitement! The last day of a hectic week. Hectic in so many ways, might I add. I'm sitting here re-tracing all of the thoughts, emotions and events that took place. Mentally, I was all over the place this week! My mind took a hike around the world and it took me through a lot of obstacles and emotional mazes. I didn't know just how much of a control freak I was until now. I've always had complete control over everything in my life, and when things don't go that way; oh boy. During this mental hike, I analyzed all the current issues that I didn't control that had my mind blown. Coming to grips with the fact that I can't control everything and that sometimes it is okay to lose control; i started to feel a little better. It was then that I found my peace zone and was finally able to exhale.

It's definitely time for new blessings in my life. It's impossible to receive those blessings when I have my my "junk" and other people's "junk" blocking them. I have a habit of taking the blame for other people's issues. This is definitely the case when it comes to close friends and family. To avoid confrontation and change in our relationship, I take the blame for everything and take complete control over the situation. I can't do that anymore. No matter how much I love a person, I can't be held responsible for their "junk". Tamica is guilty of alot of things, but shes not guilty of everything. Those things I am guilty of, I repent for those guilts and ask for forgiveness. I am facing the fears of change and learning to take a loss. I'm being truly grown and learning how to love people enough to let them go. In fact, I had to file alot things that occurred this week in my "let it go and let God" folder. When its all let go of and thrown upon Him, this makes room for those new blessings created for me. I declare this day to be the first day of the rest of my life. I truly am appreciative of the people in my life that has been there for me no matter what. I am not the friendliest person or the easiest person to get along with. Yet and still, those roots under my tree still keep me standing tall. They never break from underneath me. They never let something petty break our friendship apart. My best interest is in their heart, and I am so honored to have friends and family like this in my life.

I am ready to kick start this weekend. Sadly, I have to work tonight and tomorrow night, but that is alright. I have a date with my big sister tonight and we're going to spend some quality time with one another. I'm trying to get her on to this whole blogging thing. I know it'll be right up her alley. Although, not as many people read and comment on my blog as I'd like, but it's still enjoyable. I still plan on going back home this weekend to hang out with the parents. I haven't been to "church" in quite some time so Sunday is the day that I partake in a visit that is long over due.

I wish everyone a eventful and safe weekend ahead. It's a tad big gloomy here in Texas, but the sun is surely shining in my world!
Nikki Part II
Why can't things ever go my way when it comes to love? Why can't I meet the perfect woman for me? Who am I fooling? I realize that nobody is perfect, but damn for the past ten years of my life I have been striking out big time when it comes to the so called department of love. I have been walked on, spit on, cheated on, and taken full advantage of; I am truly sick of it. Am I under some type of evil curse? I know that I'm not an easy woman to get along with, but give me a break! Somebody is bound to be out there that knows how to handle a woman like me. I thought I found her, especially after I gave her the best part of me; which was my everything!

"Don't worry yourself to death about this Denise. You are much too strong of a woman to be sulking behind some lost love". This, coming from the mouth of my best friend of twelve years. Cassandra has been in my corner through thick and thin. Every good and bad point in my life, she was there. So her opinion is one that I value very deeply, but she was also the most cynical person I knew as well. She has never been in love unconditionally. So her opinion on this matter was biased. "Why are people so hung up on love anyway?" she asked. "I mean, if you ask me, love highly overrated. My heart is much too valuable to be giving it away all willy nilly"! she exclaimed.

"Cassie please! This is not what I need right now. I really just want to be depressed in peace. I gave this woman the past seven years of my life and for her to just walk away as if I were nothing makes me feel like crap. So if you'll excuse me, I need to be alone." I said, attempting to give her an invitation out of my house. When she found out that Kelli had left me earlier that day, she hurried to be by my side, equipped with cheesecake and a big tub of French vanilla Blue Bell ice cream. Whenever we suffer from any type of heartache, we retreat to our Golden Girl therapy session. Cassie truly did know how to cheer me up and I appreciate all of her attempts today, but it's just not working this time. Stick a fork in me, because Denise Washington is finally done.

"So you're kicking me out?" she asked obviously catching on to my hint.

"Yeah girl I'm sorry, but I'm just not in the mood to talk anymore." I said getting up from my favorite cream colored recliner.

"Well due to the circumstances, I will show you empathy and leave you be, but you better call me the moment you feel up to talking to me. Okay?" she was already at the door waiting for my response. I smiled slightly, because my friend is such a beautiful woman. I loved everything about her; I just couldn't help but to smile every time I was in her presence. Sometimes I hated that she had that effect on me.

"Okay, I promise." We exchanged hugs and kisses on the cheek and she was gone. When I closed my front door my world started to shrink by the millisecond. I knew that it was taking all of me to keep my composure in front of Cassie, and I am glad she left when she did, because I couldn't hold it any longer. I broke down to my knees right in the foyer of my little two story red brick home. My heart was aching something terrible and I thought for a moment that I might be having a heart attack. I grabbed my chest as it tightened and I began to sweat profusely. At that point I didn't care if I died or not, so I didn't bother thinking about dialing 911. What was the point of me living? The love of my life was gone with no good reason at all. She was my everything and my life is nothing without her. No one would really care if I were to leave this earth today. My place in this world is non-existent. I literally felt my heart breaking in two as I crawled to my kitchen leaving a trail of my sweat and tears behind me. My daddy always told me as a beautiful young woman living alone, I should keep protection. So I kept crawling until I reached the drawer where I stored that source of protection. I felt around until my fingertips came into contact with the cold steel of a .38 Smith and Wesson.

I felt the sharp impression the handle of my bottom cabinet was making in the small of my back. I gripped the steel that was now in my lap. "How could she do this to me?!" I screamed out loud. "She will feel pain when she finds out that my brains are blown all over my kitchen floor because of her." I double checked to see if I actually had bullets to even prove this point I was determined to make. I think I saw one, but it's hard to tell with these tears blurring my vision. Fuck it. All signs say go. I thought about writing a note, but if I did, that would cause everyone to think I did it for attention. That is not the case, because this world is truly better off without me in it. I guess love won the war. My apologies go out to my best friend, my parents and to God, because I know this will indeed give me a one way ticket to hell. However, if that is where home is, then I am ready to reside.

I shivered at the feeling of the icy barrel against my temple. I shut my eyes tightly and fingered the trigger. I was getting ready to squeeze when I heard a bang on my front door, which scared the hell out of me. I slowly opened my eyes. "This is so not the time", I said. Apparently a person can't commit suicide in peace now days without interruption. I heard the bang again; only this time it was louder. The only reason I wanted to get the door is because I thought it might be Cassie coming back for something she'd forgotten. Being that she has the key and could just walk in; I didn't want her to catch me in the act, so I eased the gun back in the drawer and got up from the floor. I cut through the living room and glanced out the window for her car, but the shiny black cutlass supreme sitting in my driveway didn't belong to Cassie.

"Who is it?" I asked tip toeing up to the peephole. Oddly I didn't see anyone; neither did I get an answer. I opened the door and what was a sunny day, was now a dark and gloomy day. I felt a cold gust of wind enter into my home when she appeared. She was breath taking and seemed to make the world stop spinning with her smile.

"I'm sorry, I'm looking for Denise Washington. Is this her residence?" she asked with such politeness.

"I'm Denise Washington," finally regaining control over my vocal cords.

She took a few steps closer and extended her right hand toward me, "I do apologize for stopping by under such urgent circumstances, but I was referred to you by a friend of mine and I need to talk to you." Her hand was still hanging untouched in the air waiting for my acceptance.

I was dumbfounded when I finally grabbed her hand. With my line of work, I get these kinds of encounters all of the time, but never have any of my clients been as stunning as she. "What is your name"? I asked out of curiosity.

I felt her fingers tighten around my hand causing me to look directly into her sandy colored eyes. I suddenly became lost in some sort of trance when she whispered, "You can just call me Nikki."

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