Hit Me Again & Again
I guess if I'm going to keep this blog open, I might as well re-do the page. I can't say that I feel like it, because I don't feel like doing much of anything lately. My weekend was pretty blah. Everything has been one big blur, perhaps too many tears caused by my fears. I spent time with my family yesterday, and although my mother was in a world of her own, I still enjoyed myself. I realize that they are all I have in this world. The only ones who actually back me up. There is no one else. No real friends anymore, just associates who conveniently place me at the bottom of the barrel. They allow me to surface to the top when all else fails. I am their last resort. Gotta love that shit right? Loll. That's the story of my life though, so I guess I can't say that I'm surprised by any of it. For some reason the person that I am attracts to these types of people. That means that something within me has to change. Right now, it is what it is. I feel like I'm all doped up, so if I begin to ramble, my bad. I'm not even operating with a clear head right now.

I wouldn't mind getting in my Chevy right now, riding out on a long stretch of highway to wherever it leads me. I'll drop my problems out my window one by one as the wind flows through my fingers. I wouldn't even care about my hair getting messed up, loll. Now that is serious. I'd ride by to see my girl and tell her thank you for picking up the slack for the past few months where these so called friends left off. I'd explain to her that I have to keep riding, alone, but I'll be back. Man that sounds sweet, too bad I'm stuck in this hell hole on yet another Monday, trying to make a buck. Fuck!

January 26, 2008 - Aquarius

As happy as you are to be going where you are going right now, not everyone is right there on the same page with you. While you must be aware of it and make adjustments accordingly, you don't have to completely change your path -- that will only cause you to feel resentment. Just tone things down a bit. Spend and act more modestly, and don't be too outgoing with your energy. You could end up overwhelming those folks who still need some time to catch up with you.

Happy is not in my vocabulary today, but perhaps content is. Nobody has been on my same page in a long time. Loll, I say a long time like someone has actually been on it before. Different pages, in a different book, found in a different library, in a different language, on a different planet. I could be waiting a million lifetimes for someone to catch up. Clearly, I don't have that kind of time. I feel like over the years I've altered myself so much for worthless people. I've held my tongue, I've dumbed myself down, I've thrown a blanket over my beliefs and personal normalities (no matter how weird they are). That hasn't gotten me anywhere or anything, but more heartache and permanent loneliness. I won't lie and say that I don't feel resentment, because I do. I'm mad as hell right now. Not at anyone in particular, but more at myself. I can't be mad at anyone who isn't thinking twice about me. I'm mad at myself for actually expecting them to think once about me. That's my fault.

I can be an overwhelming person, so I do try to come off as modest. I give myself in small doses. I sit back and I observe the world. I stand in the middle of the freeway during rush hour traffic looking at all the selfish faces of the humans speeding by me. Honestly, if the world actually slowed down, I might actually get hit standing in the middle of that freeway. I've never been able to blend in. I don't want the attention, and that’s why I never cared to have a bunch of friends. The more people you have in a circle, the more opportunity for drama, and the more pressure to blend in with them. When you see one, you see them all. I'll pass. One good friend is all I need. On my path, perhaps I'll smash into that person along the way. On the same page, in the same book, in the same language, in the same library. We don't even have to be from the same planet. We shall see…

I hope this week goes by fast. I need the time off work that I have coming up next month. I might use that time to actually go on that solo road trip. That would be a great way to spend my birthday. If I can cop my Nikon before then, I'll take a crap load of pics on wherever that road leads me. The great thing about walking my life's path alone, is that I honestly see how beautiful life truly is. I see things from a different perspective without any distractions from others. The only thing that sucks….when my path ends; nobody will cry at my funeral. Just give me hit after hit so I can stay high off life alone. The reality of it all bites, and the end appears closer than what it actually is.

*Peace to the lost ones. It's been a good run*
Kid Gloves
Happy Hump Day people. So glad the week is half way over. I'm looking forward to my day off on Monday, celebrating the King's birthday. It's the plan to go to the parade downtown here in Houston. We're going to meet up with our "Black Experience" group members. That's the plan, and I hope we stick to it. If not, I'll be doing shit solo as usual. Blah, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

So the new year festivities are pretty much over. The day dreams, fantasies and empty promises of doing the things that should've been done years ago are over. Needless to say my moments in complete solitude were damn near impossible. I've been staying to my self, but I can't get enough of Champ so that is where most if not all of my attention goes. I have gotten a lot of things done though, not worrying about other people. I find that even with my long work days, I still have a lot of free time on my hands. I'm still here for those who I feel I deserve to be there for. I'm swimming in the deep in of this love shit, and I'm learning to handle things more delicate. It makes things a whole lot easier.

Aquarius - January 14, 2009

This is one of those days when you need to treat just about everyone you encounter with kid gloves. If you take care when dealing with others, you will reap huge rewards -- either in terms of good will, or in terms of gratitude. There are many fragile egos around you today and they are attached to some people who have powerful ties. So making friends and making people happy should be your number one goal. You won't regret expending the extra effort it requires.

Love is a selfless act. So as much as I want to say, all I care about is me would be a lie. Sometimes I get into these modes where I just really don't give a fuck about anybody but me, because I think the entire world feels that same way. However, when swimming in the ocean of unconditional love, shit changes. I'm sitting at table for two, and my heart is not the only one beating on the plate in front of me. I have to keep reminding myself of this.

So I've put on my kid gloves. I'm nurturing this thing, and hope that it grows into something spectacular. Hell it's already spectacular, but I know we haven't seen shit yet.
Nookie Needs A Revolution...Woot! Woot!
"Stop the track! Let me state facts. I told you give me a minute and I'll be right back!"

Since the new year I've been down, but I'm up again. It could be the 3 redbulls I had this morning, but I'm going to run with this feeling anyway. Yesterday my horoscope told me to be revolutionary in my thinking. Revolutionary is a powerful word. Positive change is in action! Well I came to a few revolutions this morning driving to work.

1. If I liked it, then I would've put a ring on it, and sweetheart's hand is as bare as a baby's behind. Now she gonna learn, what it really feels like to miss me. It's funny how all this delicate attention is being given to me when I'm out the door. Ahhhh again! "People never get the flowers while they can still smell em'!"

2. I was trying to take folks to another level when I realized there were no passengers on my plane.

So you're Beyonce now?! Yes, I've heard this bitch so much, that I believe I'm Sasha Fierce. Okay, I'm going to stop quoting B, but seriously…

3. I'm everything I need to fill every void within me.

4. People whose heads are stuck up their asses have no room for Mica Mica in their lives. So I gotta kick em' out, kick em' out, kick em' out. Switch em' out, switch em' out, switch em' out! Was that B. again? Sorry.

5. 2009 is not the year for me to settle. I've settled for 24 years. This year marks my 25th. That's in 36 days to be exact. Wonder if my friends (whoever they might be) will be around for that occasion. Probably not. Oh wait! Revolutionary thinking!!

6. I am going to concentrate on my family more. I've been worried about other folks, who clearly ain't worried about me. It's time to focus on the ones that actually matter, and who will be here when it's all said and done. I went to church with my mom on Sunday, and I need to do that more often. I surprised her on Sunday, and just seeing the look and smile on my Queen Bea's face melted my little ice cold heart. I want to see that smile every chance I get. So I'm coming around more mom! I promise.

7. January 1st was the anniversary of my big brother's murder. I think so heavily around this time of year. Speaking on family above, I want to reach out to his 3 little girls more. The last time I saw them, they were little. One was an infant. I know they are so big now. I mean I just saw my sister's kids last weekend and my nephew is going to be 16 this year, and my niece just turned 13 last week. I know my brother's oldest daughter who is the spitting image of him, has to be at least 17 or 18 now. If I find them, I hope that they accept me and shower me with love like they did the Christmas at my parents house which was the last time I got to hug my bro; 6 days before he died.

8. I'm actually doing good in my life. I did so much shit last year that I am super proud of. I'm maintaining, and I'm growing on so many levels (no short jokes needed, but highly anticipated.) I want to keep it all going this year. It started off rocky, but that was my own fault. I swallowed myself in my own sorrow. I found myself blaming others for my misery, which went against what I try to live by.
I guess you can see these are my revolutionary resolutions for my year of continuation. I want to start writing again, because I feel so discombobulated when I don't. I'm surely not trying to lose my damn mind in '09!!!
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