I can't believe it's only Wednesday. I swear when I woke up this morning, LATE, I thought it was Friday. I still have 2 days to get out this muthafucka. So far this week has been a wreck less one for me emotionally. I've added that steel layer around my heart again after having it bruised over the weekend. Usually when I add that steel layer; I feel like I'm trapped into a corner. When I come out of that corner, I come out swinging. I hit everything moving. It's not a good thing man. I attack verbally and I take no prisoners.

This is when I become irrational and there isn't much that can be said to soften my heart again. I seek revenge and I aim to hurt. When the smoke clears and all of my damage has been done; I'm left the only one standing with the bloody knife in my hand. I leave the scene without a trace and continue on in my life's journey. Sometimes depending on the situation I may hear the faint voices of my conscience telling me to go back. Telling me that I need to apologize for my actions. Telling me that I should have done this or asking me why I didn't do that? Sometimes I hate my fucking conscience and I just want it to shut the fuck up.

Blaming other people for the way I handle things is not something I do. That would be a major contradiction. I we all have our limits. We all have that point where we have to either step up to the plate and bring it all to an end before we blow up. But what if you've stepped up to that plate a thousand times and no one heard you? What if everything you voiced was ignored? So you shut up and try your best to let everything roll off. You try that whole acceptance thing. Then pulls out that big tub of butter cream icing and lays the smack down all over your cake. That's it. This is your breaking point. This is when you are truly done! Stick a fork in that cake. You say things, you do things; not really concerned about the outcome of it all. You no longer give a fuck.

All of your cards were played. You tried to communicate on numerous occasions. What left is there to do? So you start to communicate in a way that you know they'll hear you. You start to speak their language. Not a good move, because now you've stooped to their level. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Oh well. You do what you have to do and then it's all over. Ego's are bruised, embarrassment has set in, hearts have been broken and all the cards have been pulled. This is what you wanted right? You feel good about it too. The people who are truly your friends, love you and know you will support your ass, because they know all of the failed attempts you went through before hand. So along with the faint voices of your conscious you have your friends saying "oh well, that bitch had it coming anyway."

My perspective is the way that I see things in the picture I've painted behind my own eyes. Part of me wants to feel bad for the way I handled things, but the other part of me is smiling from ear to ear for the simple fact that I have control over my emotions again. I almost lost myself in something that God was trying to pull me away from. It's funny how things play out when something just isn't meant to be. It's all dust off my shoulders and once again I am the last woman standing. Another TKO.