I guess if I'm going to keep this blog open, I might as well re-do the page. I can't say that I feel like it, because I don't feel like doing much of anything lately. My weekend was pretty blah. Everything has been one big blur, perhaps too many tears caused by my fears. I spent time with my family yesterday, and although my mother was in a world of her own, I still enjoyed myself. I realize that they are all I have in this world. The only ones who actually back me up. There is no one else. No real friends anymore, just associates who conveniently place me at the bottom of the barrel. They allow me to surface to the top when all else fails. I am their last resort. Gotta love that shit right? Loll. That's the story of my life though, so I guess I can't say that I'm surprised by any of it. For some reason the person that I am attracts to these types of people. That means that something within me has to change. Right now, it is what it is. I feel like I'm all doped up, so if I begin to ramble, my bad. I'm not even operating with a clear head right now.

I wouldn't mind getting in my Chevy right now, riding out on a long stretch of highway to wherever it leads me. I'll drop my problems out my window one by one as the wind flows through my fingers. I wouldn't even care about my hair getting messed up, loll. Now that is serious. I'd ride by to see my girl and tell her thank you for picking up the slack for the past few months where these so called friends left off. I'd explain to her that I have to keep riding, alone, but I'll be back. Man that sounds sweet, too bad I'm stuck in this hell hole on yet another Monday, trying to make a buck. Fuck!

January 26, 2008 - Aquarius

As happy as you are to be going where you are going right now, not everyone is right there on the same page with you. While you must be aware of it and make adjustments accordingly, you don't have to completely change your path -- that will only cause you to feel resentment. Just tone things down a bit. Spend and act more modestly, and don't be too outgoing with your energy. You could end up overwhelming those folks who still need some time to catch up with you.

Happy is not in my vocabulary today, but perhaps content is. Nobody has been on my same page in a long time. Loll, I say a long time like someone has actually been on it before. Different pages, in a different book, found in a different library, in a different language, on a different planet. I could be waiting a million lifetimes for someone to catch up. Clearly, I don't have that kind of time. I feel like over the years I've altered myself so much for worthless people. I've held my tongue, I've dumbed myself down, I've thrown a blanket over my beliefs and personal normalities (no matter how weird they are). That hasn't gotten me anywhere or anything, but more heartache and permanent loneliness. I won't lie and say that I don't feel resentment, because I do. I'm mad as hell right now. Not at anyone in particular, but more at myself. I can't be mad at anyone who isn't thinking twice about me. I'm mad at myself for actually expecting them to think once about me. That's my fault.

I can be an overwhelming person, so I do try to come off as modest. I give myself in small doses. I sit back and I observe the world. I stand in the middle of the freeway during rush hour traffic looking at all the selfish faces of the humans speeding by me. Honestly, if the world actually slowed down, I might actually get hit standing in the middle of that freeway. I've never been able to blend in. I don't want the attention, and that’s why I never cared to have a bunch of friends. The more people you have in a circle, the more opportunity for drama, and the more pressure to blend in with them. When you see one, you see them all. I'll pass. One good friend is all I need. On my path, perhaps I'll smash into that person along the way. On the same page, in the same book, in the same language, in the same library. We don't even have to be from the same planet. We shall see…

I hope this week goes by fast. I need the time off work that I have coming up next month. I might use that time to actually go on that solo road trip. That would be a great way to spend my birthday. If I can cop my Nikon before then, I'll take a crap load of pics on wherever that road leads me. The great thing about walking my life's path alone, is that I honestly see how beautiful life truly is. I see things from a different perspective without any distractions from others. The only thing that sucks….when my path ends; nobody will cry at my funeral. Just give me hit after hit so I can stay high off life alone. The reality of it all bites, and the end appears closer than what it actually is.