I guess if I'm going to keep this blog open, I might as well re-do the page. I can't say that I feel like it, because I don't feel like doing much of anything lately. My weekend was pretty blah. Everything has been one big blur, perhaps too many tears caused by my fears. I spent time with my family yesterday, and although my mother was in a world of her own, I still enjoyed myself. I realize that they are all I have in this world. The only ones who actually back me up. There is no one else. No real friends anymore, just associates who conveniently place me at the bottom of the barrel. They allow me to surface to the top when all else fails. I am their last resort. Gotta love that shit right? Loll. That's the story of my life though, so I guess I can't say that I'm surprised by any of it. For some reason the person that I am attracts to these types of people. That means that something within me has to change. Right now, it is what it is. I feel like I'm all doped up, so if I begin to ramble, my bad. I'm not even operating with a clear head right now.

I wouldn't mind getting in my Chevy right now, riding out on a long stretch of highway to wherever it leads me. I'll drop my problems out my window one by one as the wind flows through my fingers. I wouldn't even care about my hair getting messed up, loll. Now that is serious. I'd ride by to see my girl and tell her thank you for picking up the slack for the past few months where these so called friends left off. I'd explain to her that I have to keep riding, alone, but I'll be back. Man that sounds sweet, too bad I'm stuck in this hell hole on yet another Monday, trying to make a buck. Fuck!

January 26, 2008 - Aquarius

As happy as you are to be going where you are going right now, not everyone is right there on the same page with you. While you must be aware of it and make adjustments accordingly, you don't have to completely change your path -- that will only cause you to feel resentment. Just tone things down a bit. Spend and act more modestly, and don't be too outgoing with your energy. You could end up overwhelming those folks who still need some time to catch up with you.

Happy is not in my vocabulary today, but perhaps content is. Nobody has been on my same page in a long time. Loll, I say a long time like someone has actually been on it before. Different pages, in a different book, found in a different library, in a different language, on a different planet. I could be waiting a million lifetimes for someone to catch up. Clearly, I don't have that kind of time. I feel like over the years I've altered myself so much for worthless people. I've held my tongue, I've dumbed myself down, I've thrown a blanket over my beliefs and personal normalities (no matter how weird they are). That hasn't gotten me anywhere or anything, but more heartache and permanent loneliness. I won't lie and say that I don't feel resentment, because I do. I'm mad as hell right now. Not at anyone in particular, but more at myself. I can't be mad at anyone who isn't thinking twice about me. I'm mad at myself for actually expecting them to think once about me. That's my fault.

I can be an overwhelming person, so I do try to come off as modest. I give myself in small doses. I sit back and I observe the world. I stand in the middle of the freeway during rush hour traffic looking at all the selfish faces of the humans speeding by me. Honestly, if the world actually slowed down, I might actually get hit standing in the middle of that freeway. I've never been able to blend in. I don't want the attention, and that’s why I never cared to have a bunch of friends. The more people you have in a circle, the more opportunity for drama, and the more pressure to blend in with them. When you see one, you see them all. I'll pass. One good friend is all I need. On my path, perhaps I'll smash into that person along the way. On the same page, in the same book, in the same language, in the same library. We don't even have to be from the same planet. We shall see…

I hope this week goes by fast. I need the time off work that I have coming up next month. I might use that time to actually go on that solo road trip. That would be a great way to spend my birthday. If I can cop my Nikon before then, I'll take a crap load of pics on wherever that road leads me. The great thing about walking my life's path alone, is that I honestly see how beautiful life truly is. I see things from a different perspective without any distractions from others. The only thing that sucks….when my path ends; nobody will cry at my funeral. Just give me hit after hit so I can stay high off life alone. The reality of it all bites, and the end appears closer than what it actually is.

Happy Hump Day people. So glad the week is half way over. I'm looking forward to my day off on Monday, celebrating the King's birthday. It's the plan to go to the parade downtown here in Houston. We're going to meet up with our "Black Experience" group members. That's the plan, and I hope we stick to it. If not, I'll be doing shit solo as usual. Blah, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

So the new year festivities are pretty much over. The day dreams, fantasies and empty promises of doing the things that should've been done years ago are over. Needless to say my moments in complete solitude were damn near impossible. I've been staying to my self, but I can't get enough of Champ so that is where most if not all of my attention goes. I have gotten a lot of things done though, not worrying about other people. I find that even with my long work days, I still have a lot of free time on my hands. I'm still here for those who I feel I deserve to be there for. I'm swimming in the deep in of this love shit, and I'm learning to handle things more delicate. It makes things a whole lot easier.

I am hating this Tuesday with a passion. There will be no pics in this episode unfortunately. Stop reading the shit at any time. I'm about to go off. I'm about to make some people mad. I'm about to make some people think. I'm about to make some people regret. Regret the fact that they ever crossed my path.

I have decided to really hit the pavement and find me another day time job. Hopefully I can find a day time job that will eliminate my night time job, and pay me like they have some sense.

My workload is unacceptable, and for the first time its starting to stress me out. Maybe it's that 5 year itch. Next month will mark that anniversary, and I'm tired. I look back on all the shit I've done here, and my paycheck has NEVER matched such shit. I'm pissed. People are dropping like flies and I see why. I am so proud of my Queen Bea for living, but now I actually envy her, but she put in wayyyyy more time in this company than I ever plan on putting in.

I don’t understand why females get jealous when you talk to the next chick. I mean if you aren't even attempting to grasp and hold my attention, why get mad? I'm not about to sit around and look at your dumb ass and you not bustin' a move. If you're never around, how the fuck am I going to get to know you? People are getting besides themselves, seriously. Folks take this next quote for granted. "What one woman won't do, another woman will." You're in way over your head, if you think I'm about to chase your ass around, and wait on you. Ha! Kick bricks.

What would you expect from somebody you gave $400 to when they said they really needed it? It was clearly out of the goodness of your heart, because the person didn't mention one time about paying you back. Am I stupid for actually expecting this person to go the extra mile for me since I did them that favor? I mean I'm not expecting rose petals to be dropped at my feet every time I walk, but damn can the person just be there for me when I'm having a bad day? My sister warned me that my mind would be playing tricks on me after I gave up a sum of money like that. She said it's going to feel like the person has changed and is taking me for granted, when in actuality they are just doing the same shit they did before the money was sent. Ahhh…never again.

I feel alone in my relationship, and it sucks. I would say it was bad timing, but when is the timing actually good?

I powered my phone off, and I don’t know when I'm going to turn it back on. I don’t believe it's anything anybody can say to me to actually lift my spirits. I've been talking to God all day, and I'm doing alright. I don't throw pity parties, so actually depending on a unselfish listening ear has never been my thing. That will just lead to more disappointment, because people can't handle the problems in their own lives, how dare I expect them to handle the problems in mine? So if you're calling, leave a message. I'll return the call eventually.

This isn't the attitude I wanted to end my year in. So I'm going to have to take the next two days off in pure solitude. I'm going to drown myself in positive thoughts, words and encouragement. I'm diving straight into that Book of Proverbs, Galatians and Ecclesiastes. I want to start 2009 off right. I want to have a clear mind. I want to have a clear slate. Well not totally clear, because I accomplished too many things in 2008 to erase them ya dig? This is a year of continuation. Finish what I started.

I thought about deleting my BlogSpot, but I doubt that I will. I'm just going through it right now, and that’s only natural to want to escape from every part of the world. I saw a boulder on the side of the highway the other day, and I almost pulled over to see if my ass could squeeze under it.

I hope that my "friends" can understand my absence for however long. I haven't had a real sabbatical in a minute. It's very rare, I get a call just to ask me how my day is going. Or to ask me how I'm feeling. Or to ask me if life is treating me well, and if it isn't, was there anything they can do? Lmaoo @ that thought. It's more like calls solely surrounded by that person and their problems. I have always been and more than likely always will be the listening ear. People are not use to Mica having personal problems, they never hear me talk about it. I just got off the phone with a friend who was extremely upset about her day, and I listened. I am sorry that her day is going bad, and I hope that it gets better. I did what I do best, and swallowed my own feelings and threw a blanket over my own problems to listen to my friend. That's what I am supposed to do though. However, I need some time. Away from it all.

Funny thing is, I have to leave this job and go to another one and listen to people's problems. People it all finally catching up to me? My parents didn't raise a quitter. But they also didn't raise a fool.

I really just want to crawl into my Queen Bea's lap and have her rock me back and forth. Crying my little eyes out and just listen to her say everything will be alright. Listen to her say that she and God will take care of me. I've never craved the strength of my father's embrace before until now. I want to hear I love you Tamica, and I want the person to mean it unconditionally. I want the actions to match the actual words. Not you love me one day, and shit on me the next. That's getting old.

Whewww this is a depressing ass blog, and I'm sorry ya'll. If you had any sense you would've stopped reading a long time ago, loll. I have more to say, but I'll leave that for my prayers. If I'm not back before the first; I hope every one of you has a great new years.

peace.