Showing posts with label Horoscope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Horoscope. Show all posts
It's been a great past couple of weeks. I've been a little social butterfly, which is totally out of my character. It's more than likely just a phase, and pretty soon I'll go back underneath my rock on my planet. I've been having fun mingling with the earthlings though. I find myself being stress free, but I have to be careful to dodge the drama that comes along with the social territory. Some people are just over the top, and don’t know how to act.
The Crew
Outside The She Lounge (Aztecas)
*Excuse the hoodness of it all*
Outside The She Lounge (Aztecas)
*Excuse the hoodness of it all*
The Bestie clearly not in touch with the outside world...
I swear I was though!
I swear I was though!
Becca AKA B. Swag on it!
The Bestie, Her better half, and the big homie D. Rhae
Me, doing what I do best...telling the world to fuck off!!
On my recent metamorphosis I've run into many different people, and encountered many different personalities. I've appreciated (when sober) the new tastes. Some bitter, some sweet. Either way it goes, it's different than the same old dishes I've been serving up. I love my crew, but we tend to all think alike. Probably, because we've been knowing each other so long. We've rubbed our beliefs, ideas and goals off on one another. Now we all speak the same language, and sometimes that becomes a bit redundant. I don’t dig change, but sometimes we all have to embrace it just to stay sane.
Aquarius - March 2, 2009
Try to spend some time interacting with the few people who don't always agree with everything you say. Whether they hail from different backgrounds, cultures or religions than you, they see the world from a different perspective -- and it can be very interesting to hear what they have to say about recent events. At the very least, it will be a good learning experience. When you only hang out with like-minded people, you miss out on some opportunities.
It's not always a bad thing to disagree. To me a disagreement is made up of the opinions coming from two intelligent people. The only thing is, if one or both of those people do not know how to communicate properly; it all goes downhill. This is where the frustrations come in. I appreciate it when a person has a different opinion than mine, and knows how to back theirs up. Who is to say who is wrong and who is right if you have solid evidence throughout your words? However, like I said; some people just don’t know how to act, or better yet; interact. Word to the not so wise…just shut the fuck up.
I guess if I'm going to keep this blog open, I might as well re-do the page. I can't say that I feel like it, because I don't feel like doing much of anything lately. My weekend was pretty blah. Everything has been one big blur, perhaps too many tears caused by my fears. I spent time with my family yesterday, and although my mother was in a world of her own, I still enjoyed myself. I realize that they are all I have in this world. The only ones who actually back me up. There is no one else. No real friends anymore, just associates who conveniently place me at the bottom of the barrel. They allow me to surface to the top when all else fails. I am their last resort. Gotta love that shit right? Loll. That's the story of my life though, so I guess I can't say that I'm surprised by any of it. For some reason the person that I am attracts to these types of people. That means that something within me has to change. Right now, it is what it is. I feel like I'm all doped up, so if I begin to ramble, my bad. I'm not even operating with a clear head right now.
I wouldn't mind getting in my Chevy right now, riding out on a long stretch of highway to wherever it leads me. I'll drop my problems out my window one by one as the wind flows through my fingers. I wouldn't even care about my hair getting messed up, loll. Now that is serious. I'd ride by to see my girl and tell her thank you for picking up the slack for the past few months where these so called friends left off. I'd explain to her that I have to keep riding, alone, but I'll be back. Man that sounds sweet, too bad I'm stuck in this hell hole on yet another Monday, trying to make a buck. Fuck!
I wouldn't mind getting in my Chevy right now, riding out on a long stretch of highway to wherever it leads me. I'll drop my problems out my window one by one as the wind flows through my fingers. I wouldn't even care about my hair getting messed up, loll. Now that is serious. I'd ride by to see my girl and tell her thank you for picking up the slack for the past few months where these so called friends left off. I'd explain to her that I have to keep riding, alone, but I'll be back. Man that sounds sweet, too bad I'm stuck in this hell hole on yet another Monday, trying to make a buck. Fuck!
January 26, 2008 - Aquarius
As happy as you are to be going where you are going right now, not everyone is right there on the same page with you. While you must be aware of it and make adjustments accordingly, you don't have to completely change your path -- that will only cause you to feel resentment. Just tone things down a bit. Spend and act more modestly, and don't be too outgoing with your energy. You could end up overwhelming those folks who still need some time to catch up with you.
Happy is not in my vocabulary today, but perhaps content is. Nobody has been on my same page in a long time. Loll, I say a long time like someone has actually been on it before. Different pages, in a different book, found in a different library, in a different language, on a different planet. I could be waiting a million lifetimes for someone to catch up. Clearly, I don't have that kind of time. I feel like over the years I've altered myself so much for worthless people. I've held my tongue, I've dumbed myself down, I've thrown a blanket over my beliefs and personal normalities (no matter how weird they are). That hasn't gotten me anywhere or anything, but more heartache and permanent loneliness. I won't lie and say that I don't feel resentment, because I do. I'm mad as hell right now. Not at anyone in particular, but more at myself. I can't be mad at anyone who isn't thinking twice about me. I'm mad at myself for actually expecting them to think once about me. That's my fault.
I can be an overwhelming person, so I do try to come off as modest. I give myself in small doses. I sit back and I observe the world. I stand in the middle of the freeway during rush hour traffic looking at all the selfish faces of the humans speeding by me. Honestly, if the world actually slowed down, I might actually get hit standing in the middle of that freeway. I've never been able to blend in. I don't want the attention, and that’s why I never cared to have a bunch of friends. The more people you have in a circle, the more opportunity for drama, and the more pressure to blend in with them. When you see one, you see them all. I'll pass. One good friend is all I need. On my path, perhaps I'll smash into that person along the way. On the same page, in the same book, in the same language, in the same library. We don't even have to be from the same planet. We shall see…
I hope this week goes by fast. I need the time off work that I have coming up next month. I might use that time to actually go on that solo road trip. That would be a great way to spend my birthday. If I can cop my Nikon before then, I'll take a crap load of pics on wherever that road leads me. The great thing about walking my life's path alone, is that I honestly see how beautiful life truly is. I see things from a different perspective without any distractions from others. The only thing that sucks….when my path ends; nobody will cry at my funeral. Just give me hit after hit so I can stay high off life alone. The reality of it all bites, and the end appears closer than what it actually is.
*Peace to the lost ones. It's been a good run*
Happy Hump Day people. So glad the week is half way over. I'm looking forward to my day off on Monday, celebrating the King's birthday. It's the plan to go to the parade downtown here in Houston. We're going to meet up with our "Black Experience" group members. That's the plan, and I hope we stick to it. If not, I'll be doing shit solo as usual. Blah, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
So the new year festivities are pretty much over. The day dreams, fantasies and empty promises of doing the things that should've been done years ago are over. Needless to say my moments in complete solitude were damn near impossible. I've been staying to my self, but I can't get enough of Champ so that is where most if not all of my attention goes. I have gotten a lot of things done though, not worrying about other people. I find that even with my long work days, I still have a lot of free time on my hands. I'm still here for those who I feel I deserve to be there for. I'm swimming in the deep in of this love shit, and I'm learning to handle things more delicate. It makes things a whole lot easier.
This is one of those days when you need to treat just about everyone you encounter with kid gloves. If you take care when dealing with others, you will reap huge rewards -- either in terms of good will, or in terms of gratitude. There are many fragile egos around you today and they are attached to some people who have powerful ties. So making friends and making people happy should be your number one goal. You won't regret expending the extra effort it requires.
So I've put on my kid gloves. I'm nurturing this thing, and hope that it grows into something spectacular. Hell it's already spectacular, but I know we haven't seen shit yet.
So the new year festivities are pretty much over. The day dreams, fantasies and empty promises of doing the things that should've been done years ago are over. Needless to say my moments in complete solitude were damn near impossible. I've been staying to my self, but I can't get enough of Champ so that is where most if not all of my attention goes. I have gotten a lot of things done though, not worrying about other people. I find that even with my long work days, I still have a lot of free time on my hands. I'm still here for those who I feel I deserve to be there for. I'm swimming in the deep in of this love shit, and I'm learning to handle things more delicate. It makes things a whole lot easier.
Aquarius - January 14, 2009
This is one of those days when you need to treat just about everyone you encounter with kid gloves. If you take care when dealing with others, you will reap huge rewards -- either in terms of good will, or in terms of gratitude. There are many fragile egos around you today and they are attached to some people who have powerful ties. So making friends and making people happy should be your number one goal. You won't regret expending the extra effort it requires.
Love is a selfless act. So as much as I want to say, all I care about is me would be a lie. Sometimes I get into these modes where I just really don't give a fuck about anybody but me, because I think the entire world feels that same way. However, when swimming in the ocean of unconditional love, shit changes. I'm sitting at table for two, and my heart is not the only one beating on the plate in front of me. I have to keep reminding myself of this.
So I've put on my kid gloves. I'm nurturing this thing, and hope that it grows into something spectacular. Hell it's already spectacular, but I know we haven't seen shit yet.
Man, I dreaded going back to work today. I didn't go in until 12 though. Of course when I got there, I was instantly pissed off at the amount of CRAP piled high on my desk. I won't complain though. My day ended up being alright.
Aquarius - December 4, 2008
Your fluid, emotional nature may seem revved up for action today, dear Aquarius, although it could be that you don't know what direction to drive in. The engine is running but for some reason, the windshield looks a bit cloudy. Try to key into the areas in your life that need major overhaul. Look to transform those areas for the better. Once your windshield is clear, kick your motor into gear and go for it. Initiate the action, or else you may find yourself being acted upon.
Push hard, love hard, live hard, and make use of every minute and moment seems to be a great recipe for life. Sometimes it's easier said than done though. At times I just don't know which way to turn. I have faith in my guidance, but my imperfection causes me to grow skeptical. One thing that I can't help but notice about everyone's blog I come across, is the unconditional love they have for life, family and themselves. There is so much motivation behind everyone's words that I read, it's amazing. Nobody seems to be ungrateful about anything. People are telling their stories painted and sketched within their souls, and it's a beautiful thing. Everyone has their own recipe for, but every time I read someones positive words, it adds just a little bit more flavor to my life.
These past 2 days of solitude have been good. My windshield isn't cloudy anymore. Will it cloud up again? Of course, sometimes life sucks. But it always gets better. When I hit the road today, I was smiling, and ready for action. I felt good. It was a bit cold outside, but the sun was shining. I'm super blessed to have the strength to be alive, loving me hard, loving my family hard, loving my friends hard. I'm griding super hard. I'm living everyday in the life of me harder than ever. Pushing hard; cooking up the best recipe filled with my blood, sweat and tears. Ain't nothing sweeter.
T.Nicole © 2008
I hope everyone's weekend was as dope as mine was. I took a small break from going out to the clubs, but I went out this Friday to Club Toyz and I had a good time with my club hoppin' buddy Regina. As usual, we saw a bunch of characters in there, but I ran into some folks I hadn't seen in awhile. They are still up to the same thing; coming to the club every weekend fronting for the likes of other folks who don't give a damn. Ya'll know the drill, loll.
Although I was dragging this morning, I was still ready to face this week. October is going by rather fast and it's like the longest month in the year. I have a few more things to accomplish before the month runs out though.
There is a 10 pixel Casio digital camera that I want to cop next. I actually fell in love with it when I went iPod touch chasing all over Houston. It will come in handy on my Vegas trip this coming April with the crew. Yeah, that's right! T. Nookie will be hitting the strips in Vegas for the first time! I can't wait.
So enough of all that. Here we are Monday morning and I sit and wonder what I will be facing today. I had a situation occur this weekend that gave me an "ugh, omg not again" feeling. So basically it's a situation that I need to run away from as soon as possible. Another female in distress, begging to be emotionally saved. Well Captain Save A Ho has retired, in case you haven't heard.
Aquarius - October 20, 2008
Although I was dragging this morning, I was still ready to face this week. October is going by rather fast and it's like the longest month in the year. I have a few more things to accomplish before the month runs out though.
Yes, I purchased the iPod touch, and I absolutely love it. I even bought a little radio/cd player deck for it to listen to it while I'm at the office. I have surely been tuning out the world, and my days are running a more peaceful course. Lord knows I need it while on my never ending grind.
There is a 10 pixel Casio digital camera that I want to cop next. I actually fell in love with it when I went iPod touch chasing all over Houston. It will come in handy on my Vegas trip this coming April with the crew. Yeah, that's right! T. Nookie will be hitting the strips in Vegas for the first time! I can't wait.
So enough of all that. Here we are Monday morning and I sit and wonder what I will be facing today. I had a situation occur this weekend that gave me an "ugh, omg not again" feeling. So basically it's a situation that I need to run away from as soon as possible. Another female in distress, begging to be emotionally saved. Well Captain Save A Ho has retired, in case you haven't heard.
Aquarius - October 20, 2008
It may not be the easiest day to relate to others, dear Aquarius, but as usual, if you just go with the flow, you will find that you can have quite a bit of fun. Try not to get caught up in anyone else's drama. There are likely to be soap operas playing all around you, and quite frankly, you would do best to steer clear. Maintain a lighthearted attitude throughout the day, and try not to read into anything too deeply.
Yeah, I can see how the situation would be fun. However, I've already had my fun, and it's sad to say, but it's time to dip. I can't linger around for what it seems like I'm expected to linger around for. I am so not interested in playing another dramatic role in someone else's melodramatic screenplay. Beat it. There are a lot of f'd up situations I can relate to, but being the fact that some people just prey on others to throw their insecurities on; I'd rather not relate. Miss me with that.
Peace.
Peace.
So so glad it's Friday. Not too happy about Comcast scheduling me to work both Saturday and Sunday. So much for my weekend. My check will be phat though. After this hurricane and massive power outage in the city, the call volume at Comcast has been tremendously large. This is to be expected though right? Yeah, so needless to say work has been rather crazy all week and is only getting worse as more and more Houstonian's electricity is being restored throughout the city. As soon as the power comes on, their phone cable and internet services go into an outage status. This is something that they do not understand and all they are trying to hear is when it will come back on and if they have to pay the full month's bill or not. Ugh! Some people are so inconsiderate though, I mean all of us in Houston suffered from the power outage and they call up there expecting things to be done right then and there. Due to the damage from the hurricane, it's rather hard to press that magic button and all services are restored like we normally do. Assclowns. I hate people, I really do.
Life is pretty much back to normal for me though. In all areas. I came out of both crazy situations last week without a stain on me! I have to thank God for that. He kept and is still keeping me focused on the things that truly matter. Although both jobs are hectic right now, I'm enjoying getting up every morning to face each day. I am ready and fully equipped for the challenges that may arise during my days.
Life is pretty much back to normal for me though. In all areas. I came out of both crazy situations last week without a stain on me! I have to thank God for that. He kept and is still keeping me focused on the things that truly matter. Although both jobs are hectic right now, I'm enjoying getting up every morning to face each day. I am ready and fully equipped for the challenges that may arise during my days.
Aquarius - September 26, 2008
In an attempt to merge with infinity, you might be overlooking some basic principles of life, dear Aquarius. Be careful of getting seduced by those who want you to get tied up in their drama. At first you might willingly acquiesce. You might not even realize how deep a hole you have dug for yourself before it is too late. Make sure you haven't alienated everyone around you so that there is still someone left to dig you out.
A couple of friends asked me have I given up on love, dating and relationships. The answer is heck no. I don't have women lined up (well not any that I want anyway) to sweep me off of my feet, but I do believe that one woman's ignorant ass loss is another woman's brilliant ass gain. Just thinking about getting to know someone and vice versa makes me want to upchuck. I don't care to know your background, your likes and dislikes. I'm so over this whole thing; I don't even want to have sex. That says a lot. Later for that though. Right now, I'm just not interested. AT ALL. I wish someone would send out a temporary memo though. I don't like having to ignore people or avoid them so that I won't have to hurt anyone's feelings. Oh well though. If you're not interested, you're not interested. Beat it. Scram. Scat. Catch me next season.
I know this weekend is going to be a big blur and will all run together, being that most of my time will be spent at work. I do plan on catching a couple of movies in the theaters so expect some of T. Nicole's movie reviews to be posted on Monday. I plan on FINALLY going to the beauty shop. That damn Ike messed up my routine. Although my beautician knew she could've worked through that hurricane. Punk ass. If I can find a fully stocked and operating grocery store in Houston, I plan on going grocery shopping as well this weekend. That might have to wait until next week some time though.
Well it's lunch time and I'm craving Chinese food.
This week is going by just the way I want it to; super fast. Monday starts my much needed vacation from both jobs and I can't wait to do…nothing. I've been reading my blogs for the past two months or so and it's no secret that I've been struggling with same issues in my life. That's people, acceptance, love and trust. I'm not even going to lie, I'm getting on my own nerves, loll. I feel a hiatus coming on and it's coming faster than Hurricane Ike. I might need this time to escape into my mental mansion and just reside in peace and quiet.Yesterday I found myself banging my head up against a brick wall. After hearing nothing but my own echo, I realized that no one was listening to me. I started to feel the pain in my head from the banging. It was then that I understood that it was just time to shut up. I'm going to continue on this love journey, but at this time I just need to do it in silence and listen. I'm always talking and trying to go above and beyond with making sure that everything is working properly. I feel like I'm working in vain, so let me just shut up and drive.
Wednesday, 10 September, 2008
Aquarius (20 Jan - 18 Feb)
You may be growing impatient, but it's a good idea to hold in your feelings just a little bit longer. If you express what's on your mind today, your words could lose impact because you jumped the gun. Balance your need to get something off your chest with being mature enough to wait for the optimum time. It will be more effective to speak your heart tomorrow when the Moon returns to your sign.
My friend Regina use to tell me all the time that closed mouths don't get fed and I began to live by those words. Every time a problem would erupt I would break my neck to try and communicate through the issue and rectify that problem. Come up with solutions so that the problem won't occur again. I would make the necessary changes within myself to eliminate the problem as well. I do believe that problems are only made by us and our attitudes towards such problems. If we really want to work through it, that’s what exactly is needed…WORK. However, in some problems caused by two people, it takes 2 people to fix it. When only 1 person is putting the weight of the problem on their back alone and trying to do everything in their power to fix it, nothing will work. The only thing that will happen is that person growing so tired that they just give up.
I've carried so many problems on my back that weren't even my own. I take the slack for a lot of things that happen, because I know that I can handle it and I know exactly where to throw it in order to keep the peace. I can't do that anymore though. I'm tired of talking and not being heard, I'm tired of working and not being acknowledged, I'm tired of not being met half way and I'm tired of beating to everyone's drum just to keep them happy. The world is a selfish place man and I use to be soooooo part of that selfish bandwagon. Everything was always about me and it was always my way or the highway. There was never any question about it. No conversation needed, I thought what I wanted and when I wanted. I disregarded everyone's feelings with no remorse. I don't want to go back that route, but I do know that me being they way that I am today is only causing me to crash into brick walls.
I don’t know, but for right now I'm just going to remain silent and listen. Maybe somebody will start talking so that I can hear what's on the other side of that wall. I'm pretty disgusted this morning, but I do pray that my day gets better and that God will guide me through this point in my life like He has done with every other point.
Well the Labor Day weekend is over and I'm back on my grind. I woke up with a clouded mind and a heavy heart this morning. I'm just waiting for the usual chain of events to pop off from this emotional state I'm in. I was driving to work this morning wondering what I can do to ease my mind and nurture my heart. After praying and crying all night; it's rather hard to bounce back from that. I know one thing, Keyshia Cole and Mary J. Blige will do it every time. Listening to these women will have you feeling like you're on top of the world. They will have you thinking about all of the things you deserve and the proper way you should be treated. I needed the uplift this morning and it made me feel a little better.Over the weekend I had some time to do a little thinking. I realize how alone I truly am in my world. I have a couple people who are very close to me, but they will never be able to get so close that they understand totally who I am. For them to do that, they would have to be me. You ever been so frustrated with someone for not getting the point you're trying to make? You get angry and you may even start to yell, thinking that maybe they just don't hear you. However, when it's all said and done; you're still alone in your own understandings. That person really isn't to be held at fault for not understanding you, because your point is painted in your own perception of life. All humans can really ask for is respect. Understanding is rarely ever found. Now respect is something that we all deserve, especially if we're naturally giving it.
While I was tossing and turning last night, I came to the realization that I've placed myself in another emotional predicament that only I can be held responsible for. I listed all of my pros and cons in loving someone with all of me. Everything is all good, until you're left alone with your thoughts and your feelings scrambled on a dish in front of you. You're the only one dining at this table. The person that you're loving has now gone deeper into their own world and are handling their own feelings the best way that they know how.
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus
I know that things are only what you make of them. The only issues that evolve in any situation is nursed by you and only you. Only you can make it better or you can make it worse. I find myself guilty in holding someone responsible for my feelings. Just because love is involved really doesn't mean anything. Love is what it is and it is handled differently by every individual on this earth. I love a certain way and that way is hard. When I'm in it, I'm in it! I turn myself inside out and make sure that I give my all. My expectations are at an all time high for that of my mate. That is my mistake. Even in love, you cannot expect anything from anyone.
Being left alone with darkness of my room, the tears splashing on my pillows and the warm embrace of God, who is my best friend; reminded me of how much I honestly do love myself. This is a state that is rare for me and a state that I vowed to never be in again. I've lost myself in someone and I've gone against who I am. I feel that we all can be with someone in love without losing yourself. If you do happen to lose yourself, then you're only setting yourself up for a harder fall in the end. This is a reality check for me and something that I needed to be reminded of real quick, before I lost my damn mind.
Aquarius - September 3, 2008
It may seem as if you are on the edge of a cliff with your legs dangling over the side, dear Aquarius. Your hands are frantically searching for handholds as your feet struggle to support you on the tiny ledge below. You may be swearing to yourself that when you get out of this predicament, you will never come this way again. The fact is that this is all part of the cycle. These challenges are necessary in order to make yourself stronger and more appreciative of the easy stretches in the road.
In love I ask for respect and to be met half way in all that is done. I ask for proper communication, trust and honesty. Things that sound so simple but are so hard to maintain and obtain. I'm not trying to fall over this cliff again. It hurts and it leaves me with too many bruises that I have to heal. "The best way to escape from your problem is to solve it." - Robert Anthony. Simple and sweet. I appreciate the changes that I've made and the woman that I've become. I appreciate all of the heartaches I've gone through in my past and how good it felt once my wounds were healed. I've learned from my mistakes and I'm only hanging over this cliff, because I'm on the verge of making the same mistake twice times three. Can't do it. Won't do it.
I refuse to fall out of love, but I will if love will not have me anymore and cannot respect and accept my changes. I have to stay true to myself and never lose everything that I've built in someone else. That's too much to be thrown on them as a person and it's not fair. It will end up with both of us hurt in the end. Logically speaking, I have to do what I have to do and get back on that easy stretch. End detour.
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Well Friday is finally here! That means a nice 3 day weekend! I was so looking forward to this. I still have my vacation time to look forward to as well. Can't wait. It's Ms. Kisses birthday weekend. She doesn't want to do anything. She sucks, I swear, loll. I don't blame her though. We both aren't big on surprise parties and too much attention. So we will probably go out to a nice little club with a good atmosphere. It's so hard to find a nice gay club out here in Houston. Either they are non existent or they are filled with kids that are only gay, because their friend is gay. It sucks. I just want to go to a nice gay hang out, where it isn't too much shoot em' up kill em' music, children, or even 70 yr old lesbians. Now that I think about it; are their any normal gays in Houston that aren't in hiding? Hm, I'll have to do some research on that one.
Aquarius - August 29, 2008
The house might seem rather empty today, dear Aquarius, as most of the other members of your household are probably out and about. This is, however, a good time for you to take care of some projects of your own that you've been putting off. They might be tedious and rather boring, but think of how good you'll feel when they're finally done! In the evening, you might entertain some visitors. Enjoy your day.
Well this weekend I plan to do some cleaning. Go to the store and buy a crap load of cleaning supplies and clean my ass off. It's time that I do so. I can't stand doing it, so I put it off. My apartment isn't filthy or anything, being that I can't sleep in filth or if anything is out of place; I just know I need to give some special attention to some things. I am SO not looking forward to it. I know someone who cleans everyday as if Obama and his family are coming over for dinner. Ugh! I don't see how she does it. Maybe she has an OCD. *Smiles*
This week was pretty long for me. Work is really kicking my ass, but it's the end of the month so all is to be expected. We lose a day of work, because of the holiday. So I'm bitter sweet about having Monday off. I'm busting my ass today to get a lot of stuff done, because all of my deadlines have to be met by the 3rd. Sucks major ass. I really need to hit the lotto, trick some ho's, rob a bank or something; this just isn't cutting it. Got paid today and then turned around and dished all my money out towards rent and bills. We work for the man and then in turn give back to the man. *Slits writs* Ugh! I don't even want to think about it.
I learned a lot about communication this week . I realize that alot of the time when anger overpowers our other emotions, we lose our sense of hearing. We no longer hear the cries of the ones who are trying to communicate with us. In fact, we don't even want to hear them. It is at that very moment, you drown yourself in your own pool of emotions. You see or hear nothing else but what you feel. Your point becomes the only point that should be getting across. It is no longer who is at fault, because both parties aren't listening. You sit and you become angrier because you THINK the right things aren't being said. Oh but they are. No one is listening though. There has been a wall built up in between the two of you and each punch that is taken is only felt by you. You're becoming more numb by the second, until you can't feel anything. Then you sit in silence. No more words are said and no more punches are thrown. The only thing you hear is your own heartbeat slowing down to it's normal pace. The anger is dissolving and that wall is crumbling. This is when your senses come back. You begin to speak as the other person listens and you can see all of the damage that both of you have done. This is where the choices have to be made. And whatever you choose, it's okay, because there is not understanding. Communication is all that was needed. It's all that is ever needed. But when one stops listening the other will soon follow suit. Blah, blah, blah. It usually all happens again and again and again anyway. The fact of the matter is; people change when it's convenient. It's hardly ever permanent.
Well, lunch time is over! I hope everyone has a dope weekend, stays safe and has fun! Lots of fun! Oh and man fuck these hurricanes man. Dodge it if you can.
This is nice. It really is. I never thought I'd see it happen in my lifetime. However, it scares me shitless. My mind state on this whole thing is so much more different than that of the average American.
I can't believe it's only Wednesday. I swear when I woke up this morning, LATE, I thought it was Friday. I still have 2 days to get out this muthafucka. So far this week has been a wreck less one for me emotionally. I've added that steel layer around my heart again after having it bruised over the weekend. Usually when I add that steel layer; I feel like I'm trapped into a corner. When I come out of that corner, I come out swinging. I hit everything moving. It's not a good thing man. I attack verbally and I take no prisoners.
This is when I become irrational and there isn't much that can be said to soften my heart again. I seek revenge and I aim to hurt. When the smoke clears and all of my damage has been done; I'm left the only one standing with the bloody knife in my hand. I leave the scene without a trace and continue on in my life's journey. Sometimes depending on the situation I may hear the faint voices of my conscience telling me to go back. Telling me that I need to apologize for my actions. Telling me that I should have done this or asking me why I didn't do that? Sometimes I hate my fucking conscience and I just want it to shut the fuck up.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Something has been bugging you and it's not going to disappear until you tackle it head-on. The problem is that you may not know where your emotional discomfort is coming from. There may be unresolved issues about how you handle yourself in a power struggle that need your attention. Don't blame others for your current intensity. Take responsibility for your perspective and communicate it appropriately.
Blaming other people for the way I handle things is not something I do. That would be a major contradiction. I we all have our limits. We all have that point where we have to either step up to the plate and bring it all to an end before we blow up. But what if you've stepped up to that plate a thousand times and no one heard you? What if everything you voiced was ignored? So you shut up and try your best to let everything roll off. You try that whole acceptance thing. Then pulls out that big tub of butter cream icing and lays the smack down all over your cake. That's it. This is your breaking point. This is when you are truly done! Stick a fork in that cake. You say things, you do things; not really concerned about the outcome of it all. You no longer give a fuck.
All of your cards were played. You tried to communicate on numerous occasions. What left is there to do? So you start to communicate in a way that you know they'll hear you. You start to speak their language. Not a good move, because now you've stooped to their level. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Oh well. You do what you have to do and then it's all over. Ego's are bruised, embarrassment has set in, hearts have been broken and all the cards have been pulled. This is what you wanted right? You feel good about it too. The people who are truly your friends, love you and know you will support your ass, because they know all of the failed attempts you went through before hand. So along with the faint voices of your conscious you have your friends saying "oh well, that bitch had it coming anyway."
My perspective is the way that I see things in the picture I've painted behind my own eyes. Part of me wants to feel bad for the way I handled things, but the other part of me is smiling from ear to ear for the simple fact that I have control over my emotions again. I almost lost myself in something that God was trying to pull me away from. It's funny how things play out when something just isn't meant to be. It's all dust off my shoulders and once again I am the last woman standing. Another TKO.
Man, I had one hell of a weekend. Even though I'm tired come Monday morning, I do enjoy experiencing two fun filled days. I didn't go to work this weekend, as I should have; instead I stayed at home. Blah. Anyway, I'll pay for the consequences of that later. After hanging out with my friends and doing things that we use to do back in the day; I came to a few revelations this weekend. The most important one is that having a social life is very healthy and it maintains your youth.Monday, August 25, 2008
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You are not overly excited about working too much today, especially if your heart is set on creating time to kick back and relax. If you are presented with the opportunity of teaching or otherwise playing with youngsters, don't hesitate to say "yes". And in the meantime, keep up the fun activities with your friends.
Sometimes I get so involved in my life's responsibilities that I forget to have fun. I convince myself that I don't have time to goof around or take a break. I will go months cancelling on my friends with outings, drinks, parties or just hanging out. I would rather stay inside my apartment; reading blogs, writing blogs, watching DVDs or chatting on AOL. LAME, LAME, LAME! Well, let me take the blog part back, because I truly do enjoy reading and writing blogs; fuck what anybody thinks about that.
I'm young, confident, focused and single! I have no reason not to be having fun. I am an extreme home body, but I don't want to become older and be stuck in my house miserable. I live in a big city with a lot to do and yeah I have two jobs, but it's still no excuse to commit social suicide. People have been asking for quite some time "where have you been?", "is Mica still alive", "why don't you chill with us anymore?" Welp…Mica is back people. I'm going to start hitting the Houston scene again. My friend network is confidently secure again and I'm still extremely happy with my life. I took whatever time I needed to take to re-evaluate myself and seek the reasons why I have had so many clashes with people in my past. Now that I have my solutions and have redirected my mindset on the human species; I must get back on the road.
So to all my friends whom I hung out with this weekend, thanks for not ditching me totally, loll. We will have many more weekends to come like the one we just had.
Normally I don’t blog on Saturdays, but I use the time that I do have to try to catch up on all of my favorite blogs to read. However today I feel a little indifferent. My senses are intensified and I feel like I have something remarkable to share with the world and I just don’t know what it is. I just got off the phone with a really good friend of mine whom I haven’t spoken with in about a month now. The very last conversation that we had prior to the one today was ended on a bad not in my behalf. It just led me to believe that things can change so much in over a small amount of time. I mean I look back over these past four weeks and I seem to have a whole new perspective on life. I haven’t had any traumatic event take place in my life or anything like that, but I just feel different. And it feels good.
Aquarius - August 23, 2008
Things may seem a bit surreal for you today, dear Aquarius, so don't take other people's chatter too seriously. Today is a day to reach out and touch someone. Pick up the phone and dial it. It is a good day to share your dreams with others, despite how far-fetched they may sound. Others may look at you as if you have three heads, but as long as you are being honest with yourself, there is no reason for you to be shy about sharing.
So when I was talking to my friend and catching up on what’s been going in with here over these weeks; it’s revealed that her and her baby were in the hospital for a couple days. Both she and her baby are just fine and I am thankful of that. Sometimes when you listen to someone explain an experience that they’ve gone through, it humbles you in some way.
I am standing here on a podium in front of a billion people and I am trying to find the words to express this indescribable feeling. There is a question mark on everyone’s face and I am the only person on earth with the answer to this mystery question. I wonder what this means. I was talking to the love of my life today who also happens to be an Aquarius and she shared with me the best way she could the surreal feelings that she felt when she woke up this morning. That is weird within itself, having someone you adore share with you the EXACT feelings that you’re feeling. I get tingles down my spine every time I think about that.
I’m in rare form today and I will be back later when I figure out how to digest these indescribable feelings.
To be continued…
Hyphy is a word I learned just recently from my "lady friend" (sorry babe). Of course she is from California, because we don’t say shit like that down here in Texas. The first time she told me not to get "hyphy" with her, I had to stop talking, because I didn't know what the hell she just said to me. I was at a loss for words. I've never understood most of the things that Californians said, especially E-40. So of course I looked the word up, because I was wondering how does one get hyphy. I mean I used my context clues, but I needed a solid definition. Of course Wikipedia would inform me of such tomfoolery.
"An individual is said to "get hyphy" when they act or dance in an overstated, fast paced, and ridiculous manner."
"Those who consider themselves part of the Hyphy movement would describe this behavior as "getting stupid" or "going dumb.""
"In contrast to much of popular American culture where these phrases would be considered negative or even insulting, Hyphy is distinguished by taking this kind of behavior as a form of pride."
"Those who consider themselves part of the Hyphy movement would describe this behavior as "getting stupid" or "going dumb.""
"In contrast to much of popular American culture where these phrases would be considered negative or even insulting, Hyphy is distinguished by taking this kind of behavior as a form of pride."
With the way I am feeling today, I just might have to get "hyphy". I am go glad it's Friday though. I'm cramping like a muthafucka and I just want to crawl up under my sheets and watch The L Word. I don't feel like "ghost riding the whip" (definite way to run yourself over with your own car) today.
Aquarius - August 22, 200
8It may be necessary for you to stand up for yourself today, dear Aquarius. Don't hesitate to get aggressive with someone if this is what it takes to get through to him or her. Just make sure that you are basing your action on facts that you know to be true. The reality of the situation could be a bit clouded, so make sure you proceed with care. There is an electric energy in the air that will help fuel your fire.
So I'm going to lay low this weekend. Go to work and probably chill out at the parents house. I may ride out with my sister to see her new place. Yes man, she got a place! She met her deadline of August 31st. She'll be out on the 29th. Go sis! I'm proud of her. She did what she had to do and got her shit together. So maybe we'll go see if we can get her furniture out of storage. Other than that, I'm staying inside. I'm going into Vampire Mode. I hope everyone has a great weekend.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but word will never hurt me!" This is a damn lie. Words are the most powerful weapons humans are equipped with. Sometimes the thing we say to people; especially those we love, can cause them to alter their lives in a negative way. Say for instance, if at a very young age you love to sing and this is all you do around the house. That is until your mother or father comes home one night extremely tired from work. They mean no harm, but they are tired and cranky. In this state they quickly to tell you to shut up and that your voice is annoying the hell out of them. They tell you that you don't sound good and to go to your room. You then may never sing again, because you think that your voice will annoy everyone that hears it. You become shy when asked to sing a song and you're pulled down, because of what was said by your tired mother or father. It's called Black Magic.
We all are magicians. Some of us mean no harm, and some are just down right vindictive and will throw verbal daggers at you just to pull you down purposely. Words are more magical when they are coming out of the mouths of family, friends, or lovers. You expect these people to be delicate with your feelings and to support you 100%. We all know that sometimes even these people can be your worse enemies. Some of our closest friends in life are only here to watch you fall down. Sad huh? Goodness, I hope I don't have any friends in my life like that right now. You never know though. I don’t put anything past anyone now days. These close ones will study you, listen to you and memorize your every button. They will go out of their way to push those buttons that they know for a fact will slow you down in some way. Man oh man; that's that Black Magic.
We all are magicians. Some of us mean no harm, and some are just down right vindictive and will throw verbal daggers at you just to pull you down purposely. Words are more magical when they are coming out of the mouths of family, friends, or lovers. You expect these people to be delicate with your feelings and to support you 100%. We all know that sometimes even these people can be your worse enemies. Some of our closest friends in life are only here to watch you fall down. Sad huh? Goodness, I hope I don't have any friends in my life like that right now. You never know though. I don’t put anything past anyone now days. These close ones will study you, listen to you and memorize your every button. They will go out of their way to push those buttons that they know for a fact will slow you down in some way. Man oh man; that's that Black Magic.
Aquarius - August 21, 2008
There is no tolerance for laziness today, dear Aquarius. Get up and get moving. You may feel like you are in a mud puddle, and can't escape. Pull yourself up and wash yourself off. Get to work. You can accomplish a great deal as long as you keep a positive attitude. Steer clear of people who are negative and critical. They'll be the ones pulling you back down into the mud.
It seems that no one's word now days are impeccable. People say what they want at their own convenience. It's I love you one day and then the next day they are telling you to never speak to them again. They want you in their live forever that morning and they cheat on you that night. What happened to what they said earlier? You never know who is playing the role of a crab in a barrel. People secretly throw shade on another person's shine every single day. We call these haters right? They use that black magic.
I went to bed ticked off last night, not at what someone did to me, but because I let it tick me off to the point that I went to sleep with it in the brain. So naturally I woke up in a fairly foul mood. These are the days I travel to work in complete silence, do some cleaning and redecorating in my head. I refuse to walk into my office with personal problems hanging over my head. So far this has been an emotional week, but hey all women go through it. So keeping the positive thoughts and steering clear from negative people is definitely what's best for me this week.
I had a run in with the law this morning and it has me on edge right now. Doing 60 in a 40 exiting the freeway got my ass pulled over with the quickness trying to make it into work by 7:30. DRAT! Needless to say, I was late. The thick tongue officer issued me a ticket. Damn. I'm paying that muthafucka, because I don't have time for court appearances nor defensive driving. Hell, I tried to pay it as soon as I got into the office this morning, but I know that thick tongue officer has to do his thing first. I would've gave him cash if I could, then I would've probably been locked up for attempting to bribe an officer. Blah.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
It feels as if you don't have much time left, so taking care of your responsibilities early in the day is a smart idea. Unfortunately, you could work hard, only to discover that you should have been doing something else. But don't look back, for you probably won't see your past very clearly now. Just do what you can to get ready for the big changes ahead.
My horoscope has been contradicting itself lately it seems like. It's making me seem bipolar. Who knows? It's 2008; isn't everybody bipolar and gay now anyway? Whatever. One thing I do agree with here is not looking back. My mom always gets irritated with me, because I don't acknowledge her "what you should've did" comments. Clearly what should've been done was not done and all I can do is deal with the consequences of my present state, learn from them and not make the same mistake twice. Unfortunately, I can't retrace my steps and take back whatever was done. She thinks I'm being careless, I suppose. When in reality, I'm being logical about it. How much time is wasted by dwelling in the past over empty "coulda, woulda shoulda's"? Just have the common sense to not do it again and recognize it as a lesson learned.
I had a nice talk with someone last night about wasted emotion and how all humans are merely artists creating their own image of their life. Behind everyone's eyes is a world. Their world. Their perspective. No one's painted image of life is the same. Some may use similar strokes and similar colors, but it's never the same. I'm learning to not become upset when someone goes against the image that I've painted in my life. It's not their fault, because they've painted their own image and what they did very well may be logical to them. Who am I to say it's right or wrong? I may talk my shit (perhaps call them a circus monkey), frown my nose or I might stop talking to them for a small period of time, but at the end of the day; it's their image vs. my image. Do I let that person being who they are be the cause of me losing sleep at night or not being able to function throughout my day? Heck no! Life is too short for all of that. God did not create us to be the same and this is why he gave each of us our own brains and our own pair of eyes.
Anyone who keeps up with my blog or who considers themselves to be close to me; knows that my constant battle is accepting people. Having no expectations of them and understanding that they are who they are and that is all they will or can be. This has been the hardest thing for me to grasp. I test people and I set standards for them, but they always come up short. They cannot be the image that I paint and it's not fair of me to expect them to be in the first place. Someone whom I've been having a lot of trouble with accepting told me yesterday, "this is who I am, either you deal with it or stop talking to me." I thought about that for a second. I was irritated with that person, because they couldn't seem to hold an organized conversation, they're always bored, and were forever summing me up. I judged this person through my own created image of "perfection". Of course this person was not that. So I had a choice to make. Life is all about acceptance. We accept the things that happen in our lives, we accept the people that walk into our lives and we accept those same people that walk out of our lives for whatever reason. I quoted this before, and I'm doing it again; "It's true that there is conflict, but the conflict is in the human mind and not in the universe."
I can say that I've gotten much better with this whole accepting concept. I believe that God has placed someone in my life that is my ultimate test in this area. I'm tested everyday through this person and I'm learning different techniques in how to handle accepting them for who they are. Not letting my anger and emotions over come me just because they are not what I expect them to be; which is just like me. If I come to the conclusion that I cannot deal with that person and their image, then we both have to accept the fact that we do not fit into each others worlds. Plain and simple right? Righhhtttt.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
It feels as if you don't have much time left, so taking care of your responsibilities early in the day is a smart idea. Unfortunately, you could work hard, only to discover that you should have been doing something else. But don't look back, for you probably won't see your past very clearly now. Just do what you can to get ready for the big changes ahead.
My horoscope has been contradicting itself lately it seems like. It's making me seem bipolar. Who knows? It's 2008; isn't everybody bipolar and gay now anyway? Whatever. One thing I do agree with here is not looking back. My mom always gets irritated with me, because I don't acknowledge her "what you should've did" comments. Clearly what should've been done was not done and all I can do is deal with the consequences of my present state, learn from them and not make the same mistake twice. Unfortunately, I can't retrace my steps and take back whatever was done. She thinks I'm being careless, I suppose. When in reality, I'm being logical about it. How much time is wasted by dwelling in the past over empty "coulda, woulda shoulda's"? Just have the common sense to not do it again and recognize it as a lesson learned.
I had a nice talk with someone last night about wasted emotion and how all humans are merely artists creating their own image of their life. Behind everyone's eyes is a world. Their world. Their perspective. No one's painted image of life is the same. Some may use similar strokes and similar colors, but it's never the same. I'm learning to not become upset when someone goes against the image that I've painted in my life. It's not their fault, because they've painted their own image and what they did very well may be logical to them. Who am I to say it's right or wrong? I may talk my shit (perhaps call them a circus monkey), frown my nose or I might stop talking to them for a small period of time, but at the end of the day; it's their image vs. my image. Do I let that person being who they are be the cause of me losing sleep at night or not being able to function throughout my day? Heck no! Life is too short for all of that. God did not create us to be the same and this is why he gave each of us our own brains and our own pair of eyes.
Anyone who keeps up with my blog or who considers themselves to be close to me; knows that my constant battle is accepting people. Having no expectations of them and understanding that they are who they are and that is all they will or can be. This has been the hardest thing for me to grasp. I test people and I set standards for them, but they always come up short. They cannot be the image that I paint and it's not fair of me to expect them to be in the first place. Someone whom I've been having a lot of trouble with accepting told me yesterday, "this is who I am, either you deal with it or stop talking to me." I thought about that for a second. I was irritated with that person, because they couldn't seem to hold an organized conversation, they're always bored, and were forever summing me up. I judged this person through my own created image of "perfection". Of course this person was not that. So I had a choice to make. Life is all about acceptance. We accept the things that happen in our lives, we accept the people that walk into our lives and we accept those same people that walk out of our lives for whatever reason. I quoted this before, and I'm doing it again; "It's true that there is conflict, but the conflict is in the human mind and not in the universe."
I can say that I've gotten much better with this whole accepting concept. I believe that God has placed someone in my life that is my ultimate test in this area. I'm tested everyday through this person and I'm learning different techniques in how to handle accepting them for who they are. Not letting my anger and emotions over come me just because they are not what I expect them to be; which is just like me. If I come to the conclusion that I cannot deal with that person and their image, then we both have to accept the fact that we do not fit into each others worlds. Plain and simple right? Righhhtttt.
Well I'm here stuck at work and not too happy about it. Comcast has scheduled everyone and their mother for overtime today, and nobody is calling! I hate when they do that, because it makes my night go by so slow. It's bad enough that I have to be here on a Saturday night anyway. Oh well, the money has to be made; that's for sure. I am a little weirded out today, because of the news on Bernie Mac's death. Just a couple days ago, it was declared as a rumor and it was said that he was doing better. Now he's dead. Pneumonia is no joke! We seem to be losing a lot of black stars. Well not just black, we are losing a lot of people period. It just proves that now is the time to get right or get left. Enough of that though, I'm not trying to be depressed at the moment.
So I've been dealing with having my Sister around my apartment, and it's not all that bad I guess. She does stay out of the way and she cleans up after herself; it just all boils down to me wanting what is best for her. I am trying to have patience though. Most know how hard that is for me to obtain, but I've come a long way with it in my opinion. I just released myself from a situation with someone that has taught me a lot in only a 2 week time period. It taught me to truly check myself and how I handle people, because it truly is unattractive. It taught me that sometimes even the most intellectual people can be the craziest people. It taught me that my nonchalant attitude really causes pain for some people. It taught me to truly learn to communicate no matter how much a fool the other party is acting. It taught me that if changes aren't made early; they are harder to shake later in life. It taught me to get the hell out of dodge when someone reveals their mentally unstable behavior. Another lesson learned and accepted. I love life and all that it gives me, good and bad. It helps me to grow stronger and wiser. They say life is a bitch; depending on how you dress her. Well my bitch looks good ya'll! Dressed in the finest stitches, I wouldn't change her for nothing!
Damn this dream stuff, I have woke the hell up! At times I do float in the clouds or get trapped in my own mind, and it all comes with the territory of being an Aquarius, but I do try to remember to float back on down to earth every now and then. I've been called irrational many times in my life when it comes to dealing with people I'm dating or people I'm in a relationship with. I have come to realize that I'm not all that bad! However, I do need to break those "it's my way or the highway" habits and understand that the world does not revolve completely around me. I was placed in a funhouse full of mirrors for the past couple of weeks, and I did not like what I saw. I did not like where my future personality traits were headed. Reality check ya'll! Thank you God for placing me in that situation in order show me what it's like for people on the outside looking in.
"The universe is as simple as it is or it is not, but humans complicate everything....It's true that there is a conflict, but the conflict only exists in the human mind, not in the universe." - Don Miguel Ruiz. Dude ain't said nothing but a word! Humans truly do complicate everything. Nothing can ever be "as is", because we question it all. We try to define every situation that we are in. Some things aren't meant to have a definition as soon as you walk in the door. With time comes answers and then a proper definition will follow. Now the situation that I was currently in could've been handled on my behalf much differently than I handled it. I could've committed emotional suicide and escalated everything to the fullest. My days could've grown longer and my nights could've been sleepless. I didn't see the sense in putting myself through all of that though. Acceptance goes a long way in life. Accepting things the way that they are and not forcing something that obviously isn't going to fit will eliminate the heartache and headaches in the future. Does this mean that I don't care? Hell no, because I do care. I care enough to walk away and accept the fact that some things that people go through need to be gone through on their own. That's the only way that progress will be made, guaranteed happiness with self, and a better time spent with the next person that walks into your life.
I feel free again and I'm looking forward to the outcome of the changes that I'll be making. I wonder what doors will open up for me and what people will be walking through those doors into my life. Hm, we shall see. Break is over now and it's back to the phone lines. I hope everyone is having a kick ass weekend! See ya'll Monday, peace.
So I've been dealing with having my Sister around my apartment, and it's not all that bad I guess. She does stay out of the way and she cleans up after herself; it just all boils down to me wanting what is best for her. I am trying to have patience though. Most know how hard that is for me to obtain, but I've come a long way with it in my opinion. I just released myself from a situation with someone that has taught me a lot in only a 2 week time period. It taught me to truly check myself and how I handle people, because it truly is unattractive. It taught me that sometimes even the most intellectual people can be the craziest people. It taught me that my nonchalant attitude really causes pain for some people. It taught me to truly learn to communicate no matter how much a fool the other party is acting. It taught me that if changes aren't made early; they are harder to shake later in life. It taught me to get the hell out of dodge when someone reveals their mentally unstable behavior. Another lesson learned and accepted. I love life and all that it gives me, good and bad. It helps me to grow stronger and wiser. They say life is a bitch; depending on how you dress her. Well my bitch looks good ya'll! Dressed in the finest stitches, I wouldn't change her for nothing!
Aquarius - August 9, 2008
Your dreams work out quite nicely in your head, dear Aquarius, but the problem now is turning them into some sort of real life scenario. Be careful of taking too much of an intellectual approach. When it comes to relationships, things don't normally happen logically or rationally. You are going to have to leave a great deal up to chance, so just learn to deal with things as they come.
Damn this dream stuff, I have woke the hell up! At times I do float in the clouds or get trapped in my own mind, and it all comes with the territory of being an Aquarius, but I do try to remember to float back on down to earth every now and then. I've been called irrational many times in my life when it comes to dealing with people I'm dating or people I'm in a relationship with. I have come to realize that I'm not all that bad! However, I do need to break those "it's my way or the highway" habits and understand that the world does not revolve completely around me. I was placed in a funhouse full of mirrors for the past couple of weeks, and I did not like what I saw. I did not like where my future personality traits were headed. Reality check ya'll! Thank you God for placing me in that situation in order show me what it's like for people on the outside looking in.
"The universe is as simple as it is or it is not, but humans complicate everything....It's true that there is a conflict, but the conflict only exists in the human mind, not in the universe." - Don Miguel Ruiz. Dude ain't said nothing but a word! Humans truly do complicate everything. Nothing can ever be "as is", because we question it all. We try to define every situation that we are in. Some things aren't meant to have a definition as soon as you walk in the door. With time comes answers and then a proper definition will follow. Now the situation that I was currently in could've been handled on my behalf much differently than I handled it. I could've committed emotional suicide and escalated everything to the fullest. My days could've grown longer and my nights could've been sleepless. I didn't see the sense in putting myself through all of that though. Acceptance goes a long way in life. Accepting things the way that they are and not forcing something that obviously isn't going to fit will eliminate the heartache and headaches in the future. Does this mean that I don't care? Hell no, because I do care. I care enough to walk away and accept the fact that some things that people go through need to be gone through on their own. That's the only way that progress will be made, guaranteed happiness with self, and a better time spent with the next person that walks into your life.
I feel free again and I'm looking forward to the outcome of the changes that I'll be making. I wonder what doors will open up for me and what people will be walking through those doors into my life. Hm, we shall see. Break is over now and it's back to the phone lines. I hope everyone is having a kick ass weekend! See ya'll Monday, peace.
Almost there; one more day! Yesterday started off as a great day and I got through both jobs without dozing off one time! Go me. However, the night ended off pretty rocky. BUT, I made a vow not to lay my head down on the pillow for sleep with a heavy heart. All problems, angers, and worries need to be thrown to the sky before I drift off to la la land. This way I will wake up fully rejuvenated and free of yesterdays anxieties. Because Lord knows, each day brings on an entire new set of issues. Who wants to deal with yesterday's? Psh, that's insane.
So I've come to realize just how short my fuse really is. Ha, I know some folks are like, "Bitch we know how short your fuse is, why has it taken you so long to realize this?" I know, I know. Me being angry with my patience ran completely out, "is like a man smoking at a gas station. I'M ABOUT TO BLOW UP!" Who is there when the smoke clears though? Lmao, no damn body. People have either been hit with a flying burning object or ran away in fear for their lives. I don’t blame them either. I'm no good when I'm mad. I say shit that never needs to be said. Sometimes, I even say shit just to hurt people. Am I proud of that? No. Because, all the victims on my rap sheet were not 100% deserving of the verbal daggers thrown at them.
What makes me angry? Being misunderstood, and my attempts to communicate through an issue at hand going ignored. It's like I'm being backed into a corner with all of my feelings floating above my head like boulders ready to crash down on me. However, instead of standing there waiting to be crushed, I'll come out of that corner swinging; knocking jaws loose, blacking eyes and demolishing frontals. However, sometimes I'm wrong and if I'd only attained enough patience to actually sit back and wait; things would play out much differently. Feelings could've been spared and faces could've been saved. It's said that "A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains." Shit, but they also say "you are what you eat", and I don't consider myself to be a pussy. However, I do need to check myself; that can be admitted.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Your friends and coworkers may not be able to understand you today, even if you explain yourself again and again. But rather than prompting arguments, it's likely they will just nod in agreement, believing that they know what you mean. Nevertheless, you may be painfully aware of the gulf between you. Don't try to bridge the gap; it will go away naturally after tomorrow's eclipse.
Admitting when I'm wrong is never easy for me, but even when it's admitted does that mean people will forgive you right away or forget what happened at the snap of a finger? Nope. I know I hold grudges and even when an apology is laid out on the table, my pride sometimes still won't let me let it go that easily. Even still, what else can one do when you've admitted to your wrongdoing, explained your case and tried in multiple ways to communicate with someone and they still don't bite? You're damn right, leave it alone. I don't kiss ass, I don't chase and I do not linger where I am no longer wanted. I check pass and let them handle the ball. I'll be here when they're ready talk this out like one would adults know how to do.
So I've come to realize just how short my fuse really is. Ha, I know some folks are like, "Bitch we know how short your fuse is, why has it taken you so long to realize this?" I know, I know. Me being angry with my patience ran completely out, "is like a man smoking at a gas station. I'M ABOUT TO BLOW UP!" Who is there when the smoke clears though? Lmao, no damn body. People have either been hit with a flying burning object or ran away in fear for their lives. I don’t blame them either. I'm no good when I'm mad. I say shit that never needs to be said. Sometimes, I even say shit just to hurt people. Am I proud of that? No. Because, all the victims on my rap sheet were not 100% deserving of the verbal daggers thrown at them.
What makes me angry? Being misunderstood, and my attempts to communicate through an issue at hand going ignored. It's like I'm being backed into a corner with all of my feelings floating above my head like boulders ready to crash down on me. However, instead of standing there waiting to be crushed, I'll come out of that corner swinging; knocking jaws loose, blacking eyes and demolishing frontals. However, sometimes I'm wrong and if I'd only attained enough patience to actually sit back and wait; things would play out much differently. Feelings could've been spared and faces could've been saved. It's said that "A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains." Shit, but they also say "you are what you eat", and I don't consider myself to be a pussy. However, I do need to check myself; that can be admitted.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Your friends and coworkers may not be able to understand you today, even if you explain yourself again and again. But rather than prompting arguments, it's likely they will just nod in agreement, believing that they know what you mean. Nevertheless, you may be painfully aware of the gulf between you. Don't try to bridge the gap; it will go away naturally after tomorrow's eclipse.
Admitting when I'm wrong is never easy for me, but even when it's admitted does that mean people will forgive you right away or forget what happened at the snap of a finger? Nope. I know I hold grudges and even when an apology is laid out on the table, my pride sometimes still won't let me let it go that easily. Even still, what else can one do when you've admitted to your wrongdoing, explained your case and tried in multiple ways to communicate with someone and they still don't bite? You're damn right, leave it alone. I don't kiss ass, I don't chase and I do not linger where I am no longer wanted. I check pass and let them handle the ball. I'll be here when they're ready talk this out like one would adults know how to do.
"…shit get on my level you cant get on my level
you would need a space shuttle or a ladder that's forever
however I'm better if not now than never
don't you ever fix ya lips unless you bout to suck my dick
bitch swallow my words taste my thoughts
and if its too nasty spit it back at me."
you would need a space shuttle or a ladder that's forever
however I'm better if not now than never
don't you ever fix ya lips unless you bout to suck my dick
bitch swallow my words taste my thoughts
and if its too nasty spit it back at me."
Listening to Lil' Wayne early in the morning is never a good idea. I'm convinced, and although his lyrics are a bit redundant and somewhat played, he's still capable of giving the lowest person some ounce of self-esteem. He's a hilarious young man, I must say, and I needed the laughs this morning as I headed into work. I'm now stuck in what proves to be the longest week of my f'n life! It's finally hump day though, and I'm happy about it.
So I've read plenty of blogs published by people on my blog roll and they've all mentioned how surprised they are when they find out that certain ones are reading their posts. Or how fast a specific post spread as if it was an AIDS epidemic in DC. Truth be told, you never really know how many eyes are on your words, but the question is; should I care? Should I filter what I say to spare the feelings of the sensitive ones that may be reading? Should I apologize after every single blog written? I honestly don't think so. I use my blog as a therapy session for some of my most personal feelings. Although, I will admit that sometimes I use my blog as a vice for my everyday frustrations. It's either that, or go on small killing sprees. And, "I'd rather be pushing flowers, than to be in the pen sharing showers."
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
The emphasis in your life now is on relationships, even while you are at work. Your co-workers may be making a lot of noise about what they are doing, but you aren't impressed by what you see. Unfortunately, you may be required to bury any negative judgments, for it won't be productive today to share your critical view. Keep your opinions to yourself until the end of the week.
Not much impresses me anymore. At this very moment there are only 3 impressive people in my life. They do not go out of their way to do so and all is being done naturally. The sad thing is that I'm one of the 3 people =. Everyone else is just blah; the same monkeys turning the same flips. Not advancing in life at all. It's like I'm at an Olympic track meet and all the runners are running in place at full speed, not going any damn where. Everyone is cheering and highly impressed with their speed and techniques, while I'm trying to find the nearest exit. "No sittin' at the table if you bringin' nothin' to it. I get straight to it; like it's nothin' to it."
So I suppose my dedication to my anonymous readers would be that if you're reading the blog and happen stumble across something you don't like, didn't know or are guilty of; try not to take it so personally. Many people have desired to get a taste of me, but I'm like a jawbreaker aiming straight for the throat. I can't be chewed and I'm extremely hard to swallow. 99% of the time I'm regurgitated and spit back up in one whole piece. Do I reckon this to be a problem? No, because I dig the fact that it takes a special person to melt me down and fully digest who I am. If everyone was able to take me, then I'd be one boring, tasteless bitch.
"They say I talk with so much emphasis,
OOOO they so sen-sa-tive.
Don't ever fix your lips like collagen
Say something where you gone end up 'apologin'.
Let me know if it's a problem man,
Alright man, holla then."
PCD posted a blog asking which movie we wished we could star in, and at this point in time that I wish I were Adam Sandler in the movie Click. I would take that special remote and rewind to the beginning of my 3 day weekend; which began Thursday night and ended just hours before having to get up this morning for work. Family, food, movies, friends, parties, liquor, sex and sleep. Can't beat that.
Thursday I opted against letting go of a possible good friendship. I believe this is a test for me and I almost failed. My temper got the best of me and I faulted that person for being who they were. That's not a good look and I checked myself. When I get so use to people acting a certain way with me and around me; I don't know how to act when someone comes into the picture and acts the exact opposite. Should I fault them for that? Who said that they had to live by the manual that I wrote? Nobody. Does this make me want this person more? Hell yeah, loll. However, she is suffering from an extreme case of "The Turtle Syndrome". She's in this I've-been-hurt-bitch-back-the-hell-up shell. She's "tight like Chinese connection"! We're both on this, let things flow as they are kick, but I'm sure that if things play out correctly then one of us will have to put up some effort and contribute some energy. I don't even want to think about that though. I have lost count on how many times I've contributed energy and false hope into worthless females. I'm not really trying to go there again. I can say now that I understand where this woman is coming from and how she operates, so I'll let her do just that. We can kick it whenever. I haven't spoken to her all weekend, because she was out of town. I told her to call me when she got back into town if she wanted to. We'll see if she does. In the meantime, I'll try not to look at the clock.
Aquarius - July 7, 2008
As usual, you are able to float with the odd and wonderful circumstances that come up in your life, dear Aquarius. However, make sure that instead of just going along passively with the prevailing energy of the day, that you actually take an active part in it. Join in the dance instead of just sitting back and watching it. You will have much more fun than if you were to just on the sidelines.
Someone told me the other day to not be a wallflower. I didn't know how to take that comment, loll. Then I thought about it. I do tend to sit back and peep the scene a lot. Do I feel like I miss out on a lot because of this? Sometimes. Then again, I have dodged many stray bullets because of this as well. I do not jump head first into any situation. I analyze everything from top to bottom; side to side before joining in the festivities or what have you. I believe I get this from both of my parents. They are very cautious people. My mother is a worrier and my father is thinker and planner. Mr. "I always have my shit together", loll. Both parents being extremely logical people. I took on all of these traits and have multiplied them times 10. These make up my best qualities and also my worse qualities. I am my own worse enemy, as many of us are. So in order for me not to be that wallflower, I must psyche myself out. That's not always the easiest thing to do. I succeeded in this task over the weekend though, and let's just say; some things popped off that really didn't need to be popped off. I still dodged the bullets though, so I'll look at that as being the bright side.
Now here I am back at work and still not thrilled about it. I anticipate this to be a good week for me though. I'm remaining pretty positive in my thinking, I'm happy and living life fabulously. I'm comfortable here on the wall checking out the scenery. Some may call me fearful, others may call me smart. I'll have some to label me as boring and other who'll label me as the bold mental assassin (wait maybe I'm the only one who calls myself that, loll!). Either way, I'm going to remain being the wallflower I am. Can't nobody tell me anything. I'm the freshest muthafuckin' wallflower you've ever seen.
Thursday I opted against letting go of a possible good friendship. I believe this is a test for me and I almost failed. My temper got the best of me and I faulted that person for being who they were. That's not a good look and I checked myself. When I get so use to people acting a certain way with me and around me; I don't know how to act when someone comes into the picture and acts the exact opposite. Should I fault them for that? Who said that they had to live by the manual that I wrote? Nobody. Does this make me want this person more? Hell yeah, loll. However, she is suffering from an extreme case of "The Turtle Syndrome". She's in this I've-been-hurt-bitch-back-the-hell-up shell. She's "tight like Chinese connection"! We're both on this, let things flow as they are kick, but I'm sure that if things play out correctly then one of us will have to put up some effort and contribute some energy. I don't even want to think about that though. I have lost count on how many times I've contributed energy and false hope into worthless females. I'm not really trying to go there again. I can say now that I understand where this woman is coming from and how she operates, so I'll let her do just that. We can kick it whenever. I haven't spoken to her all weekend, because she was out of town. I told her to call me when she got back into town if she wanted to. We'll see if she does. In the meantime, I'll try not to look at the clock.
As usual, you are able to float with the odd and wonderful circumstances that come up in your life, dear Aquarius. However, make sure that instead of just going along passively with the prevailing energy of the day, that you actually take an active part in it. Join in the dance instead of just sitting back and watching it. You will have much more fun than if you were to just on the sidelines.
Someone told me the other day to not be a wallflower. I didn't know how to take that comment, loll. Then I thought about it. I do tend to sit back and peep the scene a lot. Do I feel like I miss out on a lot because of this? Sometimes. Then again, I have dodged many stray bullets because of this as well. I do not jump head first into any situation. I analyze everything from top to bottom; side to side before joining in the festivities or what have you. I believe I get this from both of my parents. They are very cautious people. My mother is a worrier and my father is thinker and planner. Mr. "I always have my shit together", loll. Both parents being extremely logical people. I took on all of these traits and have multiplied them times 10. These make up my best qualities and also my worse qualities. I am my own worse enemy, as many of us are. So in order for me not to be that wallflower, I must psyche myself out. That's not always the easiest thing to do. I succeeded in this task over the weekend though, and let's just say; some things popped off that really didn't need to be popped off. I still dodged the bullets though, so I'll look at that as being the bright side.
Now here I am back at work and still not thrilled about it. I anticipate this to be a good week for me though. I'm remaining pretty positive in my thinking, I'm happy and living life fabulously. I'm comfortable here on the wall checking out the scenery. Some may call me fearful, others may call me smart. I'll have some to label me as boring and other who'll label me as the bold mental assassin (wait maybe I'm the only one who calls myself that, loll!). Either way, I'm going to remain being the wallflower I am. Can't nobody tell me anything. I'm the freshest muthafuckin' wallflower you've ever seen.
It is definitely crunch time here in the office today. For some strange reason, someone had the bright idea of pushing all deadlines up to this afternoon. I'm not going to worry about it though. Breaking my neck on the job is not something I plan to do. I'll do what I can and in whatever time frame I can get it done in. If I'm not given things until the last minute, it's therefore not my problem. Talk to the people giving me shit at 11:59. They are good for that over here and I'm good for not doing it until the next day, loll. They all can kick bricks.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You don't want anyone questioning your ability to do your job and if your capability is being challenged now, you might just retreat into your shell. It's not that you are timid; it's just that you don't want to waste time and energy defending yourself when you could be finishing your chores and then going off to play. Avoiding emotional drama for a day or two may be the easiest way to get through any current awkwardness.
Wasting my time and energy on anything is a big problem for me. It takes quite a while for me to find worth in people to place my loyalty in. I've become the queen of moving the hell on in my older years. There really isn't enough time in my day to linger around people I know won't make the cut. I know if you will make it or not probably after one brief conversation. I try not to judge though. This is where I begin to give people the benefit of the doubt. This is where I become silent so that all of my assumptions can be proven wrong. Shut me down; please! This rarely happens though. Some people surprise me though. Their game is stepped up tremendously or I read them all wrong. Needless to say, those people are still in my circle. They are still apart of my network. Being in my world is not for the weak hearted or the weak minded. Either you got it or you don't.
Yesterday I wrote a blog on peace and understanding. Yes my standards are pretty high and I can be fairly shallow, but to avoid disappointment and to keep the peace; I don’t expect anything from anyone. I've said it so many times before. Everyone was who they were before they stepped foot into my life. People rarely change. Most things are just disguised; quite nicely, I must say. However, if you look deep enough and listen long enough, you'll see those things being so beautifully disguised. Classic example; the other day I was talking to a young woman for the very first time. Extremely beautiful; fine than a muthafucka. She starts off by telling me she was shy and wasn't the talking girl. Less than 5 minutes later; I couldn't get her to shut up if I tried. What was she talking about? A whole lot of nothing! I jumped in this one-sided conversation and brought up the fucked up conditions of the economy and she grew silent. *crickets* Completely blowing off my attempt for a meaningful conversation; she mentioned that she didn't watch any television for various reasons and tried to stay off the internet because of weirdos. A couple minutes later she asked me about at least 7 music videos she's seen on BET and did I YouTube much. "I thought you didn't watch television." (Oh, I'm tripping BET isn't TV; it's an evil brain warp for helpless Negros, lmao). This young lady, being a proven case.
Bottom line being; people just aren't equipped with substance anymore. Nobody has anything to say anymore. All I hear is gibberish. I think I'll go against my scope though. I'm not really feeling like retreating back to my shell again. I don't plan on running into any emotional drama either, because of the peace and understanding I have within today. This can be a test for me. Do I feel a bit awkward? Hell yes. Why? Sometimes; just sometimes, it sucks being the only one of my kind in this big world.
Something has been boggling my mind the past couple of days. At what point does one stop giving people the benefit of the doubt? When is it time to say, "okay, you've had your chance to prove your worth in my life and you've failed"? We all have standards; don't front, and sadly enough everyone we encounter will not meet those standards. This is one thing I hate about meeting new people. They do and say all the right things in the very beginning. That sense of "newness" is a MOTHER. It's proof that the grass is greener in that new territory, but you find out after a couple of days or maybe even a week that they don't water that grass daily. Now it's all yellow and patchy. Ugh. "New people naturally spark interests and most are on their best behavior. If they never had it, the act won't last long." This was quoted from a friend of mine. This is so very true. If you sit and wait long enough, people's true colors will surface. They aren't that same intellectual, courteous, kind and considerate person. Their speech changes, their tone changes, most things spoken of in the very beginning are never heard of again, no more "how was your day?", no more "good morning", no more 2 hour conversations. Silence has taken over. What a bummer.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You don't want anyone questioning your ability to do your job and if your capability is being challenged now, you might just retreat into your shell. It's not that you are timid; it's just that you don't want to waste time and energy defending yourself when you could be finishing your chores and then going off to play. Avoiding emotional drama for a day or two may be the easiest way to get through any current awkwardness.
Wasting my time and energy on anything is a big problem for me. It takes quite a while for me to find worth in people to place my loyalty in. I've become the queen of moving the hell on in my older years. There really isn't enough time in my day to linger around people I know won't make the cut. I know if you will make it or not probably after one brief conversation. I try not to judge though. This is where I begin to give people the benefit of the doubt. This is where I become silent so that all of my assumptions can be proven wrong. Shut me down; please! This rarely happens though. Some people surprise me though. Their game is stepped up tremendously or I read them all wrong. Needless to say, those people are still in my circle. They are still apart of my network. Being in my world is not for the weak hearted or the weak minded. Either you got it or you don't.
Yesterday I wrote a blog on peace and understanding. Yes my standards are pretty high and I can be fairly shallow, but to avoid disappointment and to keep the peace; I don’t expect anything from anyone. I've said it so many times before. Everyone was who they were before they stepped foot into my life. People rarely change. Most things are just disguised; quite nicely, I must say. However, if you look deep enough and listen long enough, you'll see those things being so beautifully disguised. Classic example; the other day I was talking to a young woman for the very first time. Extremely beautiful; fine than a muthafucka. She starts off by telling me she was shy and wasn't the talking girl. Less than 5 minutes later; I couldn't get her to shut up if I tried. What was she talking about? A whole lot of nothing! I jumped in this one-sided conversation and brought up the fucked up conditions of the economy and she grew silent. *crickets* Completely blowing off my attempt for a meaningful conversation; she mentioned that she didn't watch any television for various reasons and tried to stay off the internet because of weirdos. A couple minutes later she asked me about at least 7 music videos she's seen on BET and did I YouTube much. "I thought you didn't watch television." (Oh, I'm tripping BET isn't TV; it's an evil brain warp for helpless Negros, lmao). This young lady, being a proven case. Bottom line being; people just aren't equipped with substance anymore. Nobody has anything to say anymore. All I hear is gibberish. I think I'll go against my scope though. I'm not really feeling like retreating back to my shell again. I don't plan on running into any emotional drama either, because of the peace and understanding I have within today. This can be a test for me. Do I feel a bit awkward? Hell yes. Why? Sometimes; just sometimes, it sucks being the only one of my kind in this big world.
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