Well the Labor Day weekend is over and I'm back on my grind. I woke up with a clouded mind and a heavy heart this morning. I'm just waiting for the usual chain of events to pop off from this emotional state I'm in. I was driving to work this morning wondering what I can do to ease my mind and nurture my heart. After praying and crying all night; it's rather hard to bounce back from that. I know one thing, Keyshia Cole and Mary J. Blige will do it every time. Listening to these women will have you feeling like you're on top of the world. They will have you thinking about all of the things you deserve and the proper way you should be treated. I needed the uplift this morning and it made me feel a little better.

Over the weekend I had some time to do a little thinking. I realize how alone I truly am in my world. I have a couple people who are very close to me, but they will never be able to get so close that they understand totally who I am. For them to do that, they would have to be me. You ever been so frustrated with someone for not getting the point you're trying to make? You get angry and you may even start to yell, thinking that maybe they just don't hear you. However, when it's all said and done; you're still alone in your own understandings. That person really isn't to be held at fault for not understanding you, because your point is painted in your own perception of life. All humans can really ask for is respect. Understanding is rarely ever found. Now respect is something that we all deserve, especially if we're naturally giving it.

While I was tossing and turning last night, I came to the realization that I've placed myself in another emotional predicament that only I can be held responsible for. I listed all of my pros and cons in loving someone with all of me. Everything is all good, until you're left alone with your thoughts and your feelings scrambled on a dish in front of you. You're the only one dining at this table. The person that you're loving has now gone deeper into their own world and are handling their own feelings the best way that they know how.

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

I know that things are only what you make of them. The only issues that evolve in any situation is nursed by you and only you. Only you can make it better or you can make it worse. I find myself guilty in holding someone responsible for my feelings. Just because love is involved really doesn't mean anything. Love is what it is and it is handled differently by every individual on this earth. I love a certain way and that way is hard. When I'm in it, I'm in it! I turn myself inside out and make sure that I give my all. My expectations are at an all time high for that of my mate. That is my mistake. Even in love, you cannot expect anything from anyone.

Being left alone with darkness of my room, the tears splashing on my pillows and the warm embrace of God, who is my best friend; reminded me of how much I honestly do love myself. This is a state that is rare for me and a state that I vowed to never be in again. I've lost myself in someone and I've gone against who I am. I feel that we all can be with someone in love without losing yourself. If you do happen to lose yourself, then you're only setting yourself up for a harder fall in the end. This is a reality check for me and something that I needed to be reminded of real quick, before I lost my damn mind.

In love I ask for respect and to be met half way in all that is done. I ask for proper communication, trust and honesty. Things that sound so simple but are so hard to maintain and obtain. I'm not trying to fall over this cliff again. It hurts and it leaves me with too many bruises that I have to heal. "The best way to escape from your problem is to solve it." - Robert Anthony. Simple and sweet. I appreciate the changes that I've made and the woman that I've become. I appreciate all of the heartaches I've gone through in my past and how good it felt once my wounds were healed. I've learned from my mistakes and I'm only hanging over this cliff, because I'm on the verge of making the same mistake twice times three. Can't do it. Won't do it.

I refuse to fall out of love, but I will if love will not have me anymore and cannot respect and accept my changes. I have to stay true to myself and never lose everything that I've built in someone else. That's too much to be thrown on them as a person and it's not fair. It will end up with both of us hurt in the end. Logically speaking, I have to do what I have to do and get back on that easy stretch. End detour.